Life on the hill: April 2013

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Sunset.. Sunrise... All the same to him

I miss this place so very very much.... But my little man taught me a valuable lesson last week. He woke early, came into my room and said "Mum have you seen the sunset? Want to come and look with me?" (Sunset... Sunrise, it's all the same to him. It involves the sun.) Beauty is everywhere. Sometimes you just need someone to remind you to look for it. Posted with Blo...

Like a ball in pinball machine...

I said it aloud today. I am afraid. The fear that has been rolling around in my head. The fear that shot out of the ball chamber, ricocheting off alarms, pinging off buzzers, like a pinball machine. Except there is no exit. The ball of fear just hits another bumper, spinning off on another tangent, hitting another alarm. He is going to be released, and he is going to come looking for me. I wish saying it aloud, writing it down, made the fear feel less. But it doesn't. It feels very very real....

Can't see the forest for the trees (and other cliches)

image credit Even though I like to consider myself a relatively intelligent person, sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees. For the last couple of months I have felt like the medication that I take to help keep my anxiety disorder under control, hasn't been doing its job. I've experienced this before, and have usually undergone a med change. It seems that I am one of those lucky people who a particularly type of anti depressant works effectively for 12 to 18 months, then, for whatever...

The demonic monster that resides within

Sometimes, no matter hard you try, the fake-it-'til-you-make-it veneer cracks, and the raw, ugly, confusion, sadness, anger, and any other damn negative emotion that you have been desperately fighting to keep in, erupts. Slowly at first, a trickle, tears sitting on the rim of your eyelids, that you frantically blink away. Then you head starts to thump. Probably from all that gritting your teeth you have been doing for the last few weeks - a grimace that you pretend is a smile. Noise, even the tapping...

Worlds and atlases

No pretty pictures. Just words. Words that will probably make no sense. My veneer is rock hard. Underneath, I'm shaking. The internal dialogue is rife with questions and anguish. Punctuated with a lot of shhh... Shhh... Breathe.... I'm heart sore. Again. I think I must be attracted to dodgey salesmen. Ones that promise the world, but deliver faulty atlases. At least if it was a decent atlas I might be able to use a map to navigate my way out of this mess!! Being with your best friend, feeling...