Life on the hill: September 2010

Saturday, September 25, 2010

feeling like something out of a vampire movie....

seriously. you should see my eyes. the whites of my eyes are a beautiful shade of red, highlighted with pus worn as eyeliner and mascara... gorgeous look. You know how they had the whole herion chick look happening a few years ago - well this could be a new fashion look. all you need to do is get conjunctivitis and your set.

How the hell did I get conjunctivitis? no one else in the house has got it. And getting this has just added insult to injury after the crappy week I have had. My period arrived on Tuesday - like clockwork, with an abundance of pain with it. I have either been doped up on pain killers, or prone on my bed with a heat pack, or a combination of the two!!

Not feeling particularly happy at the moment. in fact are feeling pissed off at life the universe and everything in general... have a serious case of the sads, and feel - sorry - for - mes....

and on that note, and going to sign off, and go and sulk some more.

on the head of a pin...

... life can turn.

thank god!

Friday I went to the Spirit House Cooking Classes with Mr Darcy. I brought it as gift for him for his birthday - motivated by the fact that I have wanted to do this for eight years, and it seemed like a good idea. Had a brilliant time. the food, as always, was amazing, plus the company was pretty good too. :-)

I had organised for all three kids to have sleep overs at their friends place. They were more interested in what they were going to do, then what mum was up to! So I had 36 hours of being ME!! Was wonderful, and much needed. I have decided for my own sanity, I am going to do it every 8 weeks, something that is just for me. I have already organised my next adventure. Going to go and see West Side Story, and stay in Brisbane, with Mr D in November.... which is interesting- organising something that is in 8 weeks time with him. hmmm.

on other things that have nothing to do with my love life....

Seems I been sucked into the iPhone vortex with the rest of the population... try as I might to stay ambivelent about all that is iPhone, iPod or apple related... ... I think I want one. I know L does, and is trying as hard as possible to convince me how brilliant a birthday present it would be for her - her paying half of the contract per month.... not gonna happen - its like waiting for accident to happen doing that!! So I have been considering getting her an iPod instead for her christmas/birthday combined. But as with everything - there are two many options to choose from, and I decided I'll look another day. :S Wonder whether apple will start an iP annoymous group?

I have the beginning of the Teacher's Aid course, which I would like to make a start on this week, Monday has already gone, so I will have to put a big effort in tomorrow. Not much else to do - its pouring with rain and looks like it will be for the rest of the week .... which is going to make the school holidays oh so interesting.... hmmm.... maybe I will book in an adventure for the end of the school holidays for me so I can refill my cup??!!!

a crappy post

you know those days when you wake up, and the first feeling that hits you is irritability? That's how I am today. from the moment I opened my eyes I have felt irritable, and cranky, and sore. My tummy is sooooooo sore.

I have been contemplating for the last half hour or so why I'm feeling so irritable - A? no - he's been pretty good today, and slept well last night. L & N? hmmm no not them either. Mr D? no - saw him on Monday, and had a lovely day, and are seeing him tomorrow, and he's having a sleep over. so what the frig is it???

have come to the conclusion that its because of my tummy - and it being full of - well there is no other delicate way to put it really - shit. ... so I guess not really my tummy, but my intestines. I was supposed to have a colonoscopy on Tuesday, but had to cancel, as the person that was going to drive me to the appointment and bring me home was unable to do so as she had a sick child. that makes it the third time I have cancelled. and I really need to get this thing done. I have had bleeding on and off for months, a weird kind of spasm thing happening that when it unspasms you can actually you see my tummy undulate - like when your pregnant and the baby moves around! very freaky to say the least, and horrid constipation.... see - full of shit.

wordless

Sometimes words come easily. they just flow out of me like water... sometimes so fast my fingers can't keep up with my head. Other times its like there aren't the right words to say what I'm feeling, experiencing, doing, seeing. That's how I feel at the moment. so instead of writing, I think I will put some photos up instead...

Dancing to his inner music

My gorgeous boys

mamma mia....

Me and My girl.

well I got through father's day relativly unscathed... did feel a myriad of emotions, ranging from confusion to annoyance...

L and N rang their dad, who I discovered had tried to call both of them friday... that makes me happy - it shows effort on his part to reconnect.

Have recieved more emails from R - if I could insert an emoticon of me smacking my head against a brick wall that is what would be here... The last email I received from him unsettled me, and ended up feeling guilty and sad. but instead of reacting - which is what I usually do, I did nothing, and responded the next day. I'm glad I did. I was able to work through how I was feeling, and listened to my gut - and to borrow Mr Darcy's phrase - backed myself... I passed on the PoP's information and phone numbers to R, and told him not to email me again, or I would have to go to the police. He is doing what he usually does, sends an email, doesnt get the response he wants, sends another, then sends another, ranging from begging, pleading, emotional manipulation... if he doesn't listen to me, and sends another one, the next will be either a threat to himself, or something along the lines of "you wish I was dead dont you".... that's the usual pattern. At least my recovery from his behaviour is happening quicker... comes from the realisation that I have control over what I allow to affect me... I have a CHOICE.

other then the emotionally manipulative email from R - I had a lovely weekend. I went to Brisbane with L, and saw Mamma Mia the musical, with my cousin. We stayed in Brisbane, when shopping, went to the show, got to see some of River Fire, went shopping again on the sunday... all in all had a lovely time.... a girlie weekend as L put it.

I won tickets to a Fashion Parade in Brisbane this Sunday as well - so L and I going to that. Its a fundraiser for the ZigZag Foundation should be lots of fun... to dress up and pretend to be frivolous for the afternoon.

this morning I booked cooking classes at the Spirit House Its something I have wanting to do for YEARS, so I took the opportunity of it being Mr Darcy's birthday to book for two... Its nice to be doing things that I have wanted to do for a long time...

Father's day

is this Sunday. Its been on my mind for a couple of weeks now... brings up a myriad of emotions for me. Sadness for my children, and sadness for the little girl inside of me... and consequently the stress that comes from needing to mother ALL OF THEM... which then leads to frustration and anger at the fathers... and round and round we go.

This year I got the kids to pick father's day cards out to send to their fathers. I have no idea if L & N's father will follow through with reconnecting with them, but at least I know that I have done something that helps L & N reconnect. What HE does is his responsibility.... (a lioness growls in my mind at the thought of him hurting them...)

A also picked a card, and did a picture, and made something at daycare. I dropped all of it off at the S-I-:L's for her to pass on to him. I have received two emails again from him - both begging me not to contact the police, and asking to see A. I haven't responded to the second one - purely because there is nothing else to say.

I'm feeling the stretch of single motherhood rather hugely this week... my tolerance levels are in the negatives, and I know its because I have to refill my cup - but doing that can be at times incredibly hard, having to rely on friends to look after the kids... sometimes I would like to run away.

but I don't. just dig a little deeper, search for something from somewhere, try and change perspective, and see that even though at times I feel like I have it tough - in the big scheme of things - I really don't.

blog whore, whining, and mundane drivel

I think I am quite possibly becoming a blog whore...

Every day I log onto my laptop - love my laptop... would be devastated if something happened to my laptop... oh that just sounds sad and pathetic... I really must get a life. - anyway - where was I - oh yes- logging onto my laptop...

I open up Yahoo, to check my emails, facebook, to see what everyone is doing, feeling etc (facebook really is the ultimate in voyeurism I think) and then I check the blogs that I read. Mamamia then Emily Everywhere and occasionally The Mother of all Blogs ... sometimes, after I have posted my own usually mundane drivel here I press Next Blog.. and sit and read about strangers lives... Quite often after doing this I usually feel a whole lot better then I did when I started typing my mudane drivel. There is something some what carthetic about reading about other peoples problems and how they deal with them. Maybe its because quite often its the way they deal with what has been handed to them with a great amount of grace... and it puts my life into a much better perspective.

In reality - my life isnt really that bad. I live in a beautiful part of the world, have food in my fridge and cupboards, more clothes then I need, a huge big house, three relatively healthy children, a running car, money in the bank (no not a lot, but for the first time in I have no idea how long, there is a little money left at the end of each week! thank god I gave up smoking!!!) ... I really don't have anything to whinge about - so why do I?

I guess because its the human condition to whine... how do I stop doing that? How do I harness positivity, and even in the face of what feels like HUGE dilemmas not succumb to the the slippery slope of depression?

I was so cranky last night. A is at a stage where every afternoon the noise coming out of his mouth resembles that of a dentist drill... that never stops, until he is finally asleep. and its doing my head in. its such a catch 22 - he is doing it because he is overtired because he is no longer having a sleep in the day, and just wants mummy - but mummy doesnt want to spend time with him because he is revolting... sigh.

So today I have shoved dinner in the slow cooker, cooking rice right now, in the hope that because dinner will be ready when we get home, I will be able to avoid the whingggggggeeeeeeee.... see how that ones goes.

enough mundane drivel from me- shower calling, and things to do... procrastinated enough... oh wait - will just check out some other blogs first....