Natty Nu

My son turned 13 today. Where was I, and what was I doing for the last thirteen years? It feels like a blur...

He is a gorgeous young man - a man/boy.... As he himself has said "short in stature - but big in heart", and he does - have an enormous heart, full of compassion, caring and empathy. I'm very proud that he chose me to be his mum.

This is all about the day he arrived earthside, a copy of post I wrote two years ago TWO YEARS AGO??? how'd that happen???

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11 years ago today, I gave birth to my son Nathan.

I had gone for a check up on the Wednesday, and mentioned that I had a pain. Nathan was fully engaged, and the midwife was of the opinion that it was scar pain from my csection scar with Laura. I was booked into have a c-section on the 9/9/98. On the the Thursday the pain was still there, stronger and more OUCH. plus I felt crampy. But I had very strong Branxton hicks through out my pregnancy so was pretty sure that was what it was.

I was chatting on line to my best friend on the Thursday night. Nathan's father was at work (shift worker) so it was just me and Laura who was 2year 8mths. I spent alot of time talking about when the baby come what would happen. That Grandma would be here to look after her for the day, and that daddy and I would go to the hospital and the baby would come, and she would come and meet the new baby.

The pain I was having was getting more intense and I mentioned it to Sam. As well as the OUCH pain in one particular area on my stomache, i had back pain. I tried to sleep, and tried to ignore it.... basically was in denial as this was NOT how it was supposed to be happening! This baby was scheduled to arrive on the 9/9/98 in a very civilized manner thank you very much - and besides the baby's room wasn't quite finished yet - there was no doors on the wardrobe, they had to be painted, and I hadn't wrapped Laura's present, and...and... and....

after not being able to sleep and the pain getting more and more intense, and me getting more and more freaked out, I called my mother at 4.30am to say I think there is something wrong. She asked my what I was feeling, and replied "its like the worse period pain I have ever had." I had not experience labour with Laura so I no point of reference, and I was scared to shitless. Mum replied, I think your in labour, I will right round. She was living round the corner at the time.
I then rang Nathan's father - it was 5am by this stage. he worked an hours travel away, and when I told him that I thought I was in labour, he replied "I only have an hour left of my shift so I will be home when I have finished" so that meant he wouldnt be home until 7am..... mmmmm. no wonder we aren't together anymore.

I also rang the hospital and they told me to come in asap. yeah right, that was possible. 2 year old sleeping, who suddenly woke up at 5am to see mummy walking around gasping in pain. granma there, me trying to pack my toiletry bag and explain to her that mummy was going to go to the hospital and that the baby might come today, but might not! This is not how it was supposed to be happening!!!!

Nathan's father got home, and we left for the half hour drive to the hospital. I spent the journey holding my breath, and apologising for having to go to the hospital after he had been at work all night. we went up to the birth suite, and they examined me eventually. i was in labour, and had dilated 1cm! this is not supposed to be happening!! they gave me a shot of pethadine to see if it would slow things done, but all it did was put nathan's father to sleep, and I just wanted to get up and walk around and try and get comfortable, but wasn't allowed to. the pain in my side was getting really bad.

4hours later they came and examined me again and i had dialated another 2 cm... the head of OB came and saw me because of the pain that I kept talking about. He was concerned that the placenta may have started to come away, and in 20% of women that can happen and there be no external bleeding, so they were going to do an emergency c-section. it was 12pm at this stage. thingshappened quickly then. I was shaved, and prepped. and had a spinal block put it, while trying to stay still during contractions! that's fun - NOT!!!

Nathan was born approximately half hour after the head OB guy said this is what is happening. He was so skinny - but still weighed in at 7pd 1 oz. I went to recovery, and Nathan's father went with him. While I was in recovery, his father came in and told me that Nathan had gone into respiratory distress, and was now in a humidcrib on oxygen to help him breath. I hadn't even held my son yet.

Nathan was in special care, I was legless and unable to get to him, and the midwife lookng after me when I asked if I could wheeled in to see him, said we are too busy. no. .....

One of the midwifes in special care took a poloroid of Nat, and that is what I hung on to for 10-12 hours until I got to hold him for the first time. Laura came into see him, which I didnt see happened. She said to me He is in a little box mummy. I still hadn't seen him again, or hold him.... didnt even see Laura meet her baby brother for the first time....

Nathan's Blood sugar level's dropped and a midwife from special care came and said that they need to feed him via a nasal gastro tube, and were going to give him some formula. I said NO. I am breast feeding. can't I express? I knew that at this stage it was colostrum but I had already felt like I had not been a part of my child's arrival in so many ways, and that they were going to refuse this as well. The midwife said to me that chineses woman dont even give their babies the colostrum. and said well I dont' care. I am expressing some and you can mix it with the formula if you need to. I still hadn't seen or held my son....

at around 11pm that night, the special care midwife brought him into me. his oxygen stats had leveled out and he was able to come out of the humidcrib. he had a nasal gastro tube attached to him. and I gave him his first breast feed...

I still hurt inside about so many things about the arrival of my beautiful boy... but 11 years on I look at this amazing child, who is on the verge of adolescence, and wonder in amazement how did I get so lucky to have him as my child. He drives me to distraction on occasion ... Nathan put the rubbish out... nathan put the rubbish out... NATHAN PUT THE RUBBISH OUT. but all the little things that drive me mad pale into insignificence when I see him reach out and take his little brothers had, or have tears of love falling down his face when he held aston as a baby, or ask me about girls and their periods, and how it feels so that he could understand - because in his words "I need to know these things mum so I can take care of my girlfriends" ....

Nathan is on school camp, and is home this afternoon. It makes my heart hurt that I can't get in contact with him just to say happy birthday and I love you. Of course he thinks that I'm a silly billy, and that "MUM your going to see me in the afternoon!!"

Where has the last eleven years gone?

Hold on tight to every little minute - even the bad sleepless sleep deprived moments, the terrible twos, the times when you feel like your going to pull your hair out from frustration. Rejoice in the joyful moments when your heart is feeling heavy and tired from the hardwork that being a mummy is at times. and remember that the gift of your child is just that - a gift. to be cherished, and loved. and that they grow up, spread their wings and start to fly before you know it......

He is with me for his 13th birthday. I feel nostalgic - like I do around each of my children's birthdays. Think I'm going to go and pull out the photos and have a trip down memory lane....