On Saturday night I went to a 30th birthday party, with a Great Gatsby theme. I needed earrings to complete my outfit, so I dared to dive into a bag of jewellery that I have been carting around for the last four years, and adding to at each frantic move that has occurred in those four years. I found a pair, and left the bags contents strewn over the floor as the Great Gatsby awaited.
I only got back to the detritus this morning. As I was looking for earrings on Saturday night there were moments of recognition of pieces that I had been given, or made, or brought, like a rapid slide show going off in my head. I had planned to scoop all the contents up and put it back in the bag, to be shoved back in the cupboard, waiting to be carted away the next time I moved house. Except, that's not what happened. I started really looking at the pieces. And remembering...back to times when I wore whatever I wanted, and someone else's approval wasn't sort after, because I really didn't care if anyone else liked it or not. I did, and that was all that mattered.
I found myself slowing down, and sorting through the debris. Oh look, there's a set of earrings! and another! beautiful, intricate, dangling earrings... why did I stop wearing them? And there's my toe ring!...I thought I had lost that...why did I stop wearing that as well? Broken necklaces and bracelets made from a myriad of crystals, thrown into the bag with the intention of fixing them. Why didn't I fix them?
As I sat on the floor, surrounded by little piles of earrings, broken necklaces and bracelets, and items I no longer wanted, I felt the very long languor that I have been occupying, lift. The shroud that has been over me for far too long, was cast aside. I felt AWAKE.
A beautiful woman died last night. She has been living with terminal bowel cancer for the last 3 years. Her light reached out and touched many of us. In her book Breakfast, School Run, Chemo she wrote "Don't die with your light inside you." Julia, here's to you. Thank you. I'm going to shine brighter then a mother fucking star.
Here's your sunglasses people. I'm no longer dimming my light for anyone.