Life on the hill

Thursday, September 16, 2010

a crappy post

you know those days when you wake up, and the first feeling that hits you is irritability? That's how I am today. from the moment I opened my eyes I have felt irritable, and cranky, and sore. My tummy is sooooooo sore.

I have been contemplating for the last half hour or so why I'm feeling so irritable - A? no - he's been pretty good today, and slept well last night. L & N? hmmm no not them either. Mr D? no - saw him on Monday, and had a lovely day, and are seeing him tomorrow, and he's having a sleep over. so what the frig is it???

have come to the conclusion that its because of my tummy - and it being full of - well there is no other delicate way to put it really - shit. ... so I guess not really my tummy, but my intestines. I was supposed to have a colonoscopy on Tuesday, but had to cancel, as the person that was going to drive me to the appointment and bring me home was unable to do so as she had a sick child. that makes it the third time I have cancelled. and I really need to get this thing done. I have had bleeding on and off for months, a weird kind of spasm thing happening that when it unspasms you can actually you see my tummy undulate - like when your pregnant and the baby moves around! very freaky to say the least, and horrid constipation.... see - full of shit.

wordless

Sometimes words come easily. they just flow out of me like water... sometimes so fast my fingers can't keep up with my head. Other times its like there aren't the right words to say what I'm feeling, experiencing, doing, seeing. That's how I feel at the moment. so instead of writing, I think I will put some photos up instead...

Dancing to his inner music

My gorgeous boys

mamma mia....

Me and My girl.

well I got through father's day relativly unscathed... did feel a myriad of emotions, ranging from confusion to annoyance...

L and N rang their dad, who I discovered had tried to call both of them friday... that makes me happy - it shows effort on his part to reconnect.

Have recieved more emails from R - if I could insert an emoticon of me smacking my head against a brick wall that is what would be here... The last email I received from him unsettled me, and ended up feeling guilty and sad. but instead of reacting - which is what I usually do, I did nothing, and responded the next day. I'm glad I did. I was able to work through how I was feeling, and listened to my gut - and to borrow Mr Darcy's phrase - backed myself... I passed on the PoP's information and phone numbers to R, and told him not to email me again, or I would have to go to the police. He is doing what he usually does, sends an email, doesnt get the response he wants, sends another, then sends another, ranging from begging, pleading, emotional manipulation... if he doesn't listen to me, and sends another one, the next will be either a threat to himself, or something along the lines of "you wish I was dead dont you".... that's the usual pattern. At least my recovery from his behaviour is happening quicker... comes from the realisation that I have control over what I allow to affect me... I have a CHOICE.

other then the emotionally manipulative email from R - I had a lovely weekend. I went to Brisbane with L, and saw Mamma Mia the musical, with my cousin. We stayed in Brisbane, when shopping, went to the show, got to see some of River Fire, went shopping again on the sunday... all in all had a lovely time.... a girlie weekend as L put it.

I won tickets to a Fashion Parade in Brisbane this Sunday as well - so L and I going to that. Its a fundraiser for the ZigZag Foundation should be lots of fun... to dress up and pretend to be frivolous for the afternoon.

this morning I booked cooking classes at the Spirit House Its something I have wanting to do for YEARS, so I took the opportunity of it being Mr Darcy's birthday to book for two... Its nice to be doing things that I have wanted to do for a long time...

Father's day

is this Sunday. Its been on my mind for a couple of weeks now... brings up a myriad of emotions for me. Sadness for my children, and sadness for the little girl inside of me... and consequently the stress that comes from needing to mother ALL OF THEM... which then leads to frustration and anger at the fathers... and round and round we go.

This year I got the kids to pick father's day cards out to send to their fathers. I have no idea if L & N's father will follow through with reconnecting with them, but at least I know that I have done something that helps L & N reconnect. What HE does is his responsibility.... (a lioness growls in my mind at the thought of him hurting them...)

A also picked a card, and did a picture, and made something at daycare. I dropped all of it off at the S-I-:L's for her to pass on to him. I have received two emails again from him - both begging me not to contact the police, and asking to see A. I haven't responded to the second one - purely because there is nothing else to say.

I'm feeling the stretch of single motherhood rather hugely this week... my tolerance levels are in the negatives, and I know its because I have to refill my cup - but doing that can be at times incredibly hard, having to rely on friends to look after the kids... sometimes I would like to run away.

but I don't. just dig a little deeper, search for something from somewhere, try and change perspective, and see that even though at times I feel like I have it tough - in the big scheme of things - I really don't.

blog whore, whining, and mundane drivel

I think I am quite possibly becoming a blog whore...

Every day I log onto my laptop - love my laptop... would be devastated if something happened to my laptop... oh that just sounds sad and pathetic... I really must get a life. - anyway - where was I - oh yes- logging onto my laptop...

I open up Yahoo, to check my emails, facebook, to see what everyone is doing, feeling etc (facebook really is the ultimate in voyeurism I think) and then I check the blogs that I read. Mamamia then Emily Everywhere and occasionally The Mother of all Blogs ... sometimes, after I have posted my own usually mundane drivel here I press Next Blog.. and sit and read about strangers lives... Quite often after doing this I usually feel a whole lot better then I did when I started typing my mudane drivel. There is something some what carthetic about reading about other peoples problems and how they deal with them. Maybe its because quite often its the way they deal with what has been handed to them with a great amount of grace... and it puts my life into a much better perspective.

In reality - my life isnt really that bad. I live in a beautiful part of the world, have food in my fridge and cupboards, more clothes then I need, a huge big house, three relatively healthy children, a running car, money in the bank (no not a lot, but for the first time in I have no idea how long, there is a little money left at the end of each week! thank god I gave up smoking!!!) ... I really don't have anything to whinge about - so why do I?

I guess because its the human condition to whine... how do I stop doing that? How do I harness positivity, and even in the face of what feels like HUGE dilemmas not succumb to the the slippery slope of depression?

I was so cranky last night. A is at a stage where every afternoon the noise coming out of his mouth resembles that of a dentist drill... that never stops, until he is finally asleep. and its doing my head in. its such a catch 22 - he is doing it because he is overtired because he is no longer having a sleep in the day, and just wants mummy - but mummy doesnt want to spend time with him because he is revolting... sigh.

So today I have shoved dinner in the slow cooker, cooking rice right now, in the hope that because dinner will be ready when we get home, I will be able to avoid the whingggggggeeeeeeee.... see how that ones goes.

enough mundane drivel from me- shower calling, and things to do... procrastinated enough... oh wait - will just check out some other blogs first....