Saturday, October 2, 2010

changes in the wind

so another week passes.

I had to end up getting drops for my eyes - which once used thankfully cleared up the demonic look that was going on.

I had a friend and her two little girls come and visit for a couple of days, which broke up the monotony that is the school holidays - especially wet school holidays. Wednesday there was a break in the weather, and we all trailed off to the "duck park" as A calls it, and fed the ducks, and eels, and turtles. There were even a pair of swans and their seven cygnts which was a pretty cool thing to see. It was lovely to step back outside of my doldrums, and see the world through the little people's eyes. A got so excited seeing everything... to see that complete joy - was contagious, and it allowed me to play. Put me in a much better frame of mind for a little while.

I can feel my anxiety ampping up though, so I have made an appointment at the doctors as I am afraid that the AD's aren't working effectively anymore.... mind you I do have to take into account that this time of year is always particularly traumatic for me... even if it takes a while for me to remember why. I have been concerned as to why my body has been in revolt, and it wasn't until I had a dream and woke from it that I remember what this time of year is. Seven years ago was the trial... and not only did I deal with that, but I also seperated from R, packed up the house, moved house, unpacked and lost a baby. Anyone of those things is traumatic in itself, let alone all of them over a three week period. I think about it now and kind of marvel that I did it... But I did, and survived. just.

I have downloaded the diy-divorce-kit, and will print it off this week. There is no reason anymore to wait. Plus there is some financial stuff going on that I have to sort out. Seems R has gotten himself in a right financial mess - no surprise there - but I have to ensure that it doesn't affect me, as I have a joint loan with him, that he was supposed to be paying instead of paying child support... but he hasnt been paying it - or child support. So I have organised for child support to garnish his wage, and I will pay the loan. I am not getting a bad debt against my name because he is an idiot.

It will be good to finalise this  - my Sister in law informed me the other day that he is convinced that I'm just taking a break and when I wake up to myself I will take him back. picture me smacking my head with my palm!! Hell would freeze over before that would ever happen.

with getting the divorce papers organised comes a sense of the intense need to get rid of stuff... stuff that I have been putting off doing because it was too overwhelming to deal with. I need to break it down into increments. set myself a time of half an hour a day to just CULL stuff. I also think that in the new year I might start to look for somewhere else to live... still undecided about this one though. But first things first...

I have been reading a book called Fearless Loving by Rhonda Britten . My cousin gave it to me, saying it changed her life - I have the feeling it is going to have a profound effect on me. It has helped me to see a lot of how I conduct my relationships is from a place of fear, and how I can change - from reacting to responding.... Its interesting, and very revealing - and sometimes very painful. But I'm glad that I'm reading it. I needed to. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over, and getting the same result. Its time to change, and grow, and be.

View of the sunset from my house. Peaceful isn't it. That's the feeling I'm going for. The one that is invoked when I look at this picture.

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