Life on the hill: authentic

Showing posts with label authentic. Show all posts

Friday, July 19, 2013

Fragmented

I can feel myself fragmenting

Piece by shattered piece.

To be put back together

Like a puzzle, battered and chipped in places,

The picture still beautiful when complete.

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I looked down at my phone. There was a text from him.

"I miss you so much!!! I'm sorry for everything vicky. LYC "

I pressed the lock button on the phone and threw it in my bag, momentarily thankful, after it hit my bag on the floor, that I'd spent that $90 on a case. It allowed for me take my second of frustration out on an inanimate object.

Too little ... Too late.

That was the thought in my head.
Not sadness. Not anger. Irritation ...
Hurt...

I gave you my heart. And you didn't honour, respect or care for it like you promised you would. I know, that just like me, you are only human and make mistakes. But a fundamental difference between my humanity, and yours... I treat people with kindness, and care, and love. And that doesn't make me weak or stupid. It makes me compassionate. Forgiving. Loving. Caring.

My view of the world won't be dimmed by someone else's negativity. If they are on a mission of self destruction, and choose to slap the hand of kindness and love away, that is their choice. Mine is to remove myself away from the slap, forgive but not forget.

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I spoke the truth

The truth will set you free.
The irony of this statement is that it was the only good advice my father, my abuser, gave me.
Today I will speak on the radio about how important it is to educate your children about sexual abuse and how to keep themselves safe. I'm free

From about the age of two, every now and then Laura and I would read a story book called Yummy touches, Yukky Touches. It was a book that had been given to me from my counsellor when I asked her how I could teach my children about sexual abuse and how to take care of themselves. It was a simplistic book, with simple drawings, and simple concepts. Themes easy to recognise for a young child. It talked about how you feel on a lovely sunny day compared to how you felt sitting in a hot car on a sunny day. One, you feel yummy inside, the other makes you feel yukky inside. It talked about five people, like your five fingers, that you could tell if something was making you feel yukky inside. As a parent you would discuss with your child who those five people could be.

It was great because it gave her and I a common point to start from, in language she could identify with. There were certain people in our lives that made me feel uncomfortable - 'yukky' inside. I made the choice that I would rather err on the side of caution then not listen to that uncomfortable feeling inside because someones feelings were going to get hurt. I am her mother. Its my job to protect her and teach her to keep herself safe.

One day when Laura was five, she and I sat together playing with play dough. It was lovely to spend time with her, one on one. Having a little brother meant it didn't happen as much it used to. It also provided the opportunity to have a conversation with her that we'd had from time to time. The yummy yukky chat. We would talk about the book, and who the five people were that she could talk to. Sometimes they changed, most of the time they were the same five people. People that I had very deliberately placed in her life. Mummy, Daddy, Sam, Sharon, Granma.

We had been talking, and had moved on to other things, what could we make, what should we have for dinner, just generally playing. Then, from out of nowhere, Laura looked at me and asked, "Mummy, when you were a little girl, did someone touch you?"

I froze.

My internal dialogue argued as to what my response was going to be, screaming all at the same time OH MY GOD!!!!!

I had made a very conscious choice when I had children that I would answer their questions truthfully, age appropriately, and if felt that they didn't need to know right now then I would say that. Not Lie.

OH MY GOD!!!!!

The pause between Laura asking me the question, and my silence was long enough to prompt her to ask me again. "Mummy? ... Did someone touch you?"

I looked at my darling innocent child, torn between telling the truth and wanting her to remain in a world that was safe, full of fairies and magic and bad stuff didn't happen...

I spoke the truth.

"Yes. ... They did." (and exhale...)

She looked at me, with those beautiful blue eyes, "Why did you let them?"

I took a deep breath. "Because no one ever told me that it was OK to say no."

She got up from her chair, came and sat on my lap, wrapped her little arms around me, giving me a big cuddle. My beautiful girl, who taught me what unconditional love meant.

Last Wednesday I did something that was huge. I used my voice. I spoke my truth, in about as public arena as I have ever been in. On ABC 612 with Steve Austin.

When Naomi from Seven Cherubs contacted me asking if I wanted to do something in educating our children about how to keep themselves safe from sexual abuse my answer was a resounding YES! My own experiences led me to seek information on how I can keep my children safe from the moment I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. Its information that I passionately feel needs to be shared, over and over, and over again.

Sexual abuse is not a warm fuzzy subject people want to talk about. Because it's not, it is even more important that we are having these conversations, sharing information, educating our children. We teach our kids how to stay safe on the road, the right foods to eat to look after our bodies, how to not spread germs when you have a cold. Constantly, every day, we have opportunities to teach our children something about the amazing world we live in. Yet, so many of us balk when it comes to discussing with our children how to keep themselves safe from predators.

Do they balk because they don't know how to approach it? or have a mentality it won't happen to my child? or because they would rather not look, don't see? It could be any of these reasons, all of them, or something completely different. My plea is don't balk. Walk outside your comfort zone, and educate YOURSELF so you can educate your children.

Bravehearts is a valuable resource for parents. Want some facts? This PDF is full of them. They run an education program Ditto's Keep Safe Adventure Show and have resources available to buy through their online shop.

There is a myriad of children's picture books that can be used in a safe, healthy way to share information with your child. I have listed three below:

The Right Touch A Read Aloud Story to Help Prevent Child Sexual Abuse by Sandy Kleven
Everyone's got a bottom by Family Planning Queensland
My Body Belongs to me by Jill Starishevsky

I looked at the catalogue at my local library. Two of the above books where available to borrow. So check out your local library if you don't want to buy one.

Nathalie over at Easy Peasy Kids also has some great resources - this blog post talks about teaching your children how to say no

Seven Cherubs has also written 10 Tips to protect your children from being sexually abused.

I can't thank Namoi, Amanda and Steve enough for the opportunity to stand back in my power. I'm back from that place of fear. I'm not going anywhere. I have a voice, and I'm going to use it.

If you want to hear my debut on the radio click here to get taken to the podcast.

Please re-share this. I will never ask you to share a post of mine every again. But this one. Please.

This is as real as you can get. And because its so important to me to reach as many people as I possibly can I'm joining up with Jenni from Story of My Life May Challenge - Day 20 of Blog Every Day In May. Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.

Keeping it real

When I first read this weeks "assignment" the very first word that came to me was Respect. Each time that I have thought about what are my five top values, that has been the first to come to mind...

What does Respect mean to me? Its not just about respecting me, or treating me with respect, but its about respecting so much more... life, humanity, the planet, other human beings. If we treated each other with respect so much hate, violence, evil would disappear. Treat others how you would like to be treated.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" Most people will associate that saying with Christianity, but the concept has been around long before Jesus was a boy. To me it encapsulates what respect means.

When I was 19, I made the conscious decision that I wasn't going to live my life in the manner that I had seen and experienced growing up. I didn't know how I was going to live it, just how I wasn't going to. Consequently I went on to invent a personality, and in doing so, denied my authenticity. It took me 13 years, and losing the plot and a stay in a psyche ward to reclaim it. I won't lose it again. By being authentic I am being true to myself. Its my inner compass and guide. Being authentic means not false or copied, genuine and real. It means embracing the uniqueness that makes me ME - freak flag and all!

Being authentic means being honest. Something I despise is lying and liars. Lying to someone means that its not only them that you are lying to, but to yourself as well. The truth may be disappointing, hurtful, at times even devastating. But at least it is real. Being honest has got me into trouble on more then one occasion. Lying, it is little seeds of deceit that blacken your heart.

Practising gratitude is something that keeps me both authentic, and honest. Even on days when all I feel is grey, with a little bit of seeking, I can find something to be grateful for. I believe in the Law of attraction... If I think it, I'm inviting it into my life. I would rather invite good stuff in, then bad stuff. It helps me to change perspective, to see that even on grey stormy days there is good stuff happening, you just have to peel back the clouds to see it.

Gratitude highlights hope. When Pandora opened the forbidden box and everything flew out, the only thing that remained in the box was hope. I lost hope once. And very nearly lost my life. I never want to lose it again. Practising, and believing in respect, authenticity, honesty and gratitude means I will never lose it again. For me, they perpetuate hope, fan it into being, in all its magnificence, potential and mystery...

Narrowing down the things that are important to five core values is a difficult exercise. Harder then I originally thought. There are many other things that are important to me - knowledge, family, resilience, joy, laughter to name a few, but essentially what I identified was that the five that spoke to me the loudest ultimately lead to the others. And like any strong house that will withstand anything that is thrown at it, a good foundation is imperative.