It's Complex

I have two types of people in my life. Those that have known me for a long time, and those that are relative newcomers.

The people in my life that I've known for over ten years have seen me fall down, pick myself up, and carry on. There are a handful who have seen me do it numerous times, from the very first time 12 years ago, when the light of hope that lived in my heart had been extinguished, and my strength to carry the facade that I had been living behind ceased. And with it, my will to live.

Apparently the universe had other ideas when my psyche shattered 12 years ago, and sent me an angel who rescued me from myself. A month later, after 17 days in the local psych ward, and two weeks away resting, the light of hope had been reignited, albeit, a tiny little flame, the façade had been laid down for good, and the real VICKY took her first few faltering steps out into the world, to live in all her authenticity.

Its been a journey these last 12 years, full of triumphs, victories and tears. Marked throughout it have been periods of time when I have fallen down and travelled through the dark tight space that I now understand to be my  amygdala, the part of my brain responsible for processing emotions relating particualy to survival, and determining where memories will be stored. It is this part of my brain that switches into overdrive when certain events trigger it, and responds with overactive fear response. I used to call  it my impending sense of doom. Now I call it what it is - Complex - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

What's the difference between Complex PTSD and PTSD? That's an answer I went in search of when I fell back into trauma in March last year. I needed to know why that wench anxiety had its tight grip around my throat - yet again! And why does it keep happening??

Everything I had read about PTSD indicated that after the trauma that had triggered PTSD had been processed, "normality" returns. How come my "normal" keeps getting disrupted, time and time again??

A website I discovered, Out of the fog, described it perfectly:

"Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape..."

"The "Complex" in Complex Post Traumatic Disorder describes how one layer after another of trauma can interact with one another."

"C-PTSD results more from chronic repetitive stress from which there is little chance of escape. PTSD can result from single events, or short term exposure to extreme stress or trauma."

http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/CPTSD.html

A week ago that flame that had be reignited went out. Again. The pain of continually falling into trauma was like being caught in a set of dumper waves, thrown down to the sand, spun around, frantically searching for the surface, only to be picked up and dumped again.

I now know that a contributing factor to the descent of my mood into wanting to exit this world and stop the pain - for me and for everyone around me, was being put on a new medication Mirtazapine. If I had known it's brand name Avanza, I would never have agreed to go on it. I had taken it before and went back to my Doctor two weeks later telling her I had to stop taking it as it was not just making my mood lower, but was making me feel constantly angry.

Thankfully the doctors here have listened to me, and I am no longer on it. 

I will be here for another week, and in that time are hopeful that I will connect with support and resources to help me swim out of the set of dumper waves, and learn new skills and tools to help me from being triggered into trauma.

And with that I will leave you with this:

If I could be you and you could be me for just one hour
If we could find a way to get inside each other's mind
If you could see you through my eyes, instead of your ego
I believe you'd be surprised to see, that you'd been blind

Walk a mile in my shoes
Walk a mile in my shoes
And before you abuse, criticize and accuse
Walk a mile in my shoes

Now your whole world you see around you is just a reflection
And the law of karma, says you reap, just what you sow
So unless you've lived a life of total perfection
You'd better be careful of every stone that you should throw

Walk a mile in my shoes
Walk a mile in my shoes
And before you abuse, criticize and accuse
Walk a mile in my shoes

And yet we spend the day throwing stones at one another
'Cause I don't think or wear my hair the same way you do
Well, I may be common people but I'm your brother
And when you strike out and try to hurt me it's a-hurtin' you

Walk a mile in my shoes
Walk a mile in my shoes
And before you abuse, criticize and accuse
Walk a mile in my shoes

There are people on reservations and out in the ghettos
And brother, there but for the grace of God, go you and I
If I only had the wings of a little angel
Don't you know I'd fly to the top of the mountain and then I'd cry

Walk a mile in my shoes
Walk a mile in my shoes
And before you abuse, criticize and accuse
Walk a mile in my shoes

Walk, walk, walk a mile in my shoes
Walk a mile in my shoes
And before you abuse, criticize and accuse
Walk a mile in my shoes

Walk, walk, walk a mile in my shoes
Walk, walk, walk a mile in my shoes
Before you abuse, criticize and accuse
Walk a mile in my shoes

- Brian Ferry "Walk a mile in my shoes"

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I spoke the truth

The truth will set you free.
The irony of this statement is that it was the only good advice my father, my abuser, gave me.
Today I will speak on the radio about how important it is to educate your children about sexual abuse and how to keep themselves safe. I'm free

From about the age of two, every now and then Laura and I would read a story book called Yummy touches, Yukky Touches. It was a book that had been given to me from my counsellor when I asked her how I could teach my children about sexual abuse and how to take care of themselves. It was a simplistic book, with simple drawings, and simple concepts. Themes easy to recognise for a young child. It talked about how you feel on a lovely sunny day compared to how you felt sitting in a hot car on a sunny day. One, you feel yummy inside, the other makes you feel yukky inside. It talked about five people, like your five fingers, that you could tell if something was making you feel yukky inside. As a parent you would discuss with your child who those five people could be.

It was great because it gave her and I a common point to start from, in language she could identify with. There were certain people in our lives that made me feel uncomfortable - 'yukky' inside. I made the choice that I would rather err on the side of caution then not listen to that uncomfortable feeling inside because someones feelings were going to get hurt. I am her mother. Its my job to protect her and teach her to keep herself safe.

One day when Laura was five, she and I sat together playing with play dough. It was lovely to spend time with her, one on one. Having a little brother meant it didn't happen as much it used to. It also provided the opportunity to have a conversation with her that we'd had from time to time. The yummy yukky chat. We would talk about the book, and who the five people were that she could talk to. Sometimes they changed, most of the time they were the same five people. People that I had very deliberately placed in her life. Mummy, Daddy, Sam, Sharon, Granma.

We had been talking, and had moved on to other things, what could we make, what should we have for dinner, just generally playing. Then, from out of nowhere, Laura looked at me and asked, "Mummy, when you were a little girl, did someone touch you?"

I froze.

My internal dialogue argued as to what my response was going to be, screaming all at the same time OH MY GOD!!!!!

I had made a very conscious choice when I had children that I would answer their questions truthfully, age appropriately, and if felt that they didn't need to know right now then I would say that. Not Lie.

OH MY GOD!!!!!

The pause between Laura asking me the question, and my silence was long enough to prompt her to ask me again. "Mummy? ... Did someone touch you?"

I looked at my darling innocent child, torn between telling the truth and wanting her to remain in a world that was safe, full of fairies and magic and bad stuff didn't happen... 

 I spoke the truth.

"Yes. ... They did." (and exhale...)

She looked at me, with those beautiful blue eyes, "Why did you let them?"

I took a deep breath. "Because no one ever told me that it was OK to say no."

She got up from her chair, came and sat on my lap, wrapped her little arms around me, giving me a big cuddle. My beautiful girl, who taught me what unconditional love meant.

Last Wednesday I did something that was huge. I used my voice. I spoke my truth, in about as public arena as I have ever been in. On ABC 612 with Steve Austin.


When Naomi from Seven Cherubs contacted me asking if I wanted to do something in educating our children about how to keep themselves safe from sexual abuse my answer was a resounding YES! My own experiences led me to seek information on how I can keep my children safe from the moment I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. Its information that I passionately feel needs to be shared, over and over, and over again.


Sexual abuse is not a warm fuzzy subject people want to talk about. Because it's not, it is even more important that we are having these conversations, sharing information, educating our children. We teach our kids how to stay safe on the road, the right foods to eat to look after our bodies, how to not spread germs when you have a cold. Constantly, every day, we have opportunities to teach our children something about the amazing world we live in. Yet, so many of us balk when it comes to discussing with our children how to keep themselves safe from predators.


Do they balk because they don't know how to approach it? or have a mentality it won't happen to my child? or because they would rather not look, don't see? It could be any of these reasons, all of them, or something completely different. My plea is don't balk. Walk outside your comfort zone, and educate YOURSELF so you can educate your children.


Bravehearts is a valuable resource for parents. Want some facts? This PDF is full of them. They run an education program Ditto's Keep Safe Adventure Show and have resources available to buy through their online shop.


There is a myriad of children's picture books that can be used in a safe, healthy way to share information with your child. I have listed three below:


The Right Touch A Read Aloud Story to Help Prevent Child Sexual Abuse by Sandy Kleven
Everyone's got a bottom by Family Planning Queensland
My Body Belongs to me by Jill Starishevsky


I looked at the catalogue at my local library. Two of the above books where available to borrow. So check out your local library if you don't want to buy one.

Nathalie over at Easy Peasy Kids also has some great resources - this blog post talks about teaching your children how to say no

Seven Cherubs has also written 10 Tips to protect your children from being sexually abused.

I can't thank Namoi, Amanda and Steve enough for the opportunity to stand back in my power. I'm back from that place of fear. I'm not going anywhere. I have a voice, and I'm going to use it.


If you want to hear my debut on the radio click here to get taken to the podcast.


Please re-share this. I will never ask you to share a post of mine every again. But this one. Please.

This is as real as you can get. And because its so important to me to reach as many people as I possibly can I'm joining up with Jenni from Story of My Life May Challenge - Day 20 of Blog Every Day In May. Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.

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