this rollercoaster ride just never seems to end...

I haven't blogged for months, because all I have had to say is more of the same. The roller coaster has been never ending. Just when I think I have come to the end, the ride doesn't stop but speeds on up.

I hit the wall massively on Saturday evening, and with it comes the realisation that if I dont put myself first I'm going to end up in hospital. My PTSS is rife, and I'm currently feeling disassociated. Like I'm here watching myself. I can't remember conversations, i'm shaking all the time again, and the hyper vigelence and hyper startle response is ramped to max.

You would think that because i have the ability to actually write these things down that I would be able to control them. If anything it just makes me more frustrated that I can't stop it.

Its damaging my relationships with my children, which breaks my heart. I have to stop it before it gets beyond repair.

i guess as the saying goes... pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going.....

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its the little things...

Yesterday I just wrote the day off. Had horrible period pain, and was feeling miserable about all that has been going on. About 3pm I decided enough was enough, and got in the kitchen with Laura and started baking for the week. We made choc chip cookies, jam drops, apricot and coconut chocolate slice, chocolate choc chip muffins, quiche and popcorn. small things, but I oddly felt like I had actually achieved something for the first time in ages!!! Felt like a mummy, and I havent felt like anything for a while.

A good friend rang me from Brugge, to champion me on. It made me feel heard, and loved to have someone randomly ring me to tell me I'm doing ok.

this morning, at 6am, Laura came into my room, and sat on the bed. I said to her, get into bed with me and have a cuddle. I really didnt know if she would or not, because of late I have been some what of the enemy in her eyes, but she did. We lay and talked about anything and everything. It was precious, and made the start of my day so much better.

small incremental changes... little things that make a difference.

Nathan has hurt his knee at football on Saturday. It is still very sore, and I am taking him to the doctor today. I hope that it is just bruised and nothing more serious. He will be devastated if it is. so fingers crossed that is something simple.

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new beginnings

That is what I'm on the eve of - new beginnings. And instead of feeling excited, elated, amazed.... I just feel empty and sad, and overwhelmed.

After a horrendous week full of anger and hurt I asked DH to move out. That we couldn't keep doing this dance where everyone was getting hurt. On Monday I completely lost it and the horrible ugly Vicky that I thought I had buried forever exploded out of the volcano with such a terrible force that I am still reeling from it. On tuesday, Laura came undone, hitting me, and punching DH in the back, and anywhere else she could reach. Screaming abuse at him and me. She had reached her breaking point. On wednesday I told DH that he had to move out, that he had to find somewhere else to live. In order for any of us to be able to heal from the last five years of hurt and anger he has to remove himself.

Initially his response was to declare that he was going back to the UK. A decision that would be disasterous, not just because it would completely irridicate any possiblity of reconciliation, but would destroy any opportunity for him to get his back fixed. He is on worker's compensation at the moment, and has been for the last six months. The pain in his back is just getting worse, and no one is listening. he has two more specialist appointments over the next two weeks. Hopefully one of them will be able to do something.

I feel like where my heart should be there is a big black hole. I can't help but replay over the things that have occured in my life. I have made so many mistakes. When am I going to get it right?

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living with someone who has adhd

the other evening our little boy (2.5years) fell asleep early, on the lounge in the
play room with the big ones watching a film. DH carried him out to lounge room,
and placed him on the matteress that he is currently sleeping on. He said to me,
"he is so peaceful" and was misty eyed. He then said to me - I never noticed
before now... he was just asleep for me. I know you "see" these things all the
time.."

I really hadn't realised just how much DH had been missing out on.

He went outside for a little while, and came back in, and said to me "i'm
becoming a sad old man" to which I replied, no, your not.. your just feeling
things that you have never felt before...

He gets overwhelmed with the tirade of feelings that he has begun to feel. This
morning he was speaking to his Uncle in the UK. His family over there have been
incredibly worried about him. When he got off the phone he was crying. This from
the man who doesn't cry. Since March, and more since April, when he started the
Dex, he has experienced more emotions then he has in a long time - if ever.

It is strange for me, seeing this person that I have been so used to being
emotionless - or angry, to show other emotions. I used to call him the tinman,
because he had no heart...

And it opens up a whole other discourse... how much of my relationship with him
has been "real" and how much has been a lie...

and then there is this..

Anyone want to volunteer to write a dictionary that translates what I am trying
to say into a language that pwADHD can understand, and vice versa????

Sometimes.. make that a lot of the time, I speak, and obviously the words that
are coming out of my mouth are in a foriegn language for my pwADHD.

I really think that at the moment that is what most of our problem is - the
inability to communicate effectively. Because I'm so tired and frustrated at my
life - and wanting desperately a partner, not another child, I lack the
patience, and desire to have to communicate with this ADULT standing in front of
me like he is a child... or someone who speaks an entirely different language to
the one I thought we were both speaking.

sigh.

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busy busy busy

I just realised that it has been nearly a month since I last blogged. and so much has happened. I have been incredibly busy with uni, trying desperately to catch up with all the backlog of work that has happened becuase the world tipped upside down. slowly getting through it, and looking forward to a three week break at the end of May. Hopefully next term will not be as chaotic...

Things are settling down. DH is on medication for the ADHD, and after some tweaking, he seems to be on the appropriate dose. He has changed doctors, to someone who actually has ADHD herself, and that has been major. He will have better continuity of care, which is important both for the ADHD and his back.

The last month has not been with out its fair share of ups and downs... but the last week has been far more up then it has been in a long time. I went back to my doctor and changed medication, and that has helped to get the PTSS and anxiety under better control. I'm still feeling hypervigelent and hyper startled...but that will take a little while to settle. DH has done lots of random acts of kindness recently... which is totally out of character for him. He would say out of character for the old DH. It takes me by surprise, and I know that my response sometimes hurts him, but as I explained to him, I'm not used to this DH... and I can't help like I am waiting for the old one to rear his ugly head. Which now that he is medicated he actually gets! that would have to be the biggest improvement. Insight. He finally has some. He can see that how he behaved affected us all as a family, and individually, and feels a great sadness over it, which fuels him to do better, improve.

I'm still desperately wanting time out. away from everyone and everything. because I'm exhausted. Its like, now that things are settling down for DH, I am falling apart....but I am taking care of me in the best way I know how. lots of self care, and mediatating, reading books that feed my soul. and sleeping.

I guess its a journey. and while I'm still living day to day, at least the days are nicer to live in.

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