friend and lover...

Several people recently, that I hadn't seen in a while commented about how happy and well I look. Well, it got me thinking. I am happy...content. And feeling the best I have in a long time. Even as M and I navigated our way through the bumps of our new relationship I didn't feel like I was going to drown.

I recently had the first panic attack I have had since January... At M's house...we had had an argument...one that really had to happen, giving us both the chance to say..or yell how we were feeling... He went for a walk to cool off... And I  ... Self combusted.

I started to panic... I was in the middle of suburbia, surrounded by houses and I couldn't leave. I'd had a few drinks so couldn't drive and all I wanted to do was leave. I rang M and he could hear from my voice that I wasn't OK, and said he would be five minutes. I tried to do the things that I know help me come out of panic but I was too far into it for them to work, which only added to the anxiety. I rang him again and he said he was at the corner of the street. When he came in he looked at me and I gulped I can't breathe... And he did the most amazing thing. He put aside his anger, and came and held me, telling me to breathe, and held me until calmed down. He didn't yell, he didn't loose patience, he just held me. And I fell absolutely and completely in love with him.... Any last guard I had held up fell away....

Since that night things have been wonderful. I love him so completely. He is my friend and lover...