Tuesday, April 16, 2013

The demonic monster that resides within

Sometimes, no matter hard you try, the fake-it-'til-you-make-it veneer cracks, and the raw, ugly, confusion, sadness, anger, and any other damn negative emotion that you have been desperately fighting to keep in, erupts.

Slowly at first, a trickle, tears sitting on the rim of your eyelids, that you frantically blink away. Then you head starts to thump. Probably from all that gritting your teeth you have been doing for the last few weeks - a grimace that you pretend is a smile. Noise, even the tapping of the key board, starts to make your skin crawl from the inside. You rub at it frantically, but the sensation doesn't stop. Your agiatation increases. Questions from the people you love and care very nearly turn you into the scary monster that you work so hard to keep at bay.

Mum where's this? Mum can you ...? Mum, he's ... She's...
for fucks sakes just LEAVE ME ALONE

The crack widens to a gaping hole. The force of pent up emotion spews forth like water bursting through a dam. You recognise that the monster within is about to swallow you up and replace you with it's spitting venomous ugly prescence. You battle with it, running frantically to your room to let the monster bellow and spit it's poison, hissing at the people you love as you flee.

Anxiety. The demonic monster that resides within me.


  1. being able to materialise the exact way you feel in to the written word is such a strength of yours, I hope it helps you to get through this honey...your description triggered memories of living through the same thing in another part of my life. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! xox

    1. Thank you for connecting. Human connection in times of hurting soothes your soul.

  2. Your words resonate with how I have been feeling lately. I hope that you are able to get rid of that demon in your head xx

    1. Tegan thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. Feeling heard and understood makes a difference x

  3. I get you. I have had terrible periods of my life where I've been plagued with anxiety. It's so real, so debilitating, so misunderstood and so lonely. You aren't alone, my friend xx

    1. This conversation would take place further on in our dinner, probably way after dinner, and consumption of the whole bottle of wine. ;) thank you for stopping by lovely. The fact you did means a lot x

  4. Vicky, my heart goes out to you.
    I know that feeling well - the one thing that got me through (and this may sound insane or condescending - but it's not intended to be that, it was advice that came from a very helpful friend) Breathe. It's amazing how 5 deep breaths can ground you in a good way. While you breathe - you focus on where you want to be and what it will be like when you get there. It gives you just a moment of clarity and slowly those little moments can join up together. It's not about faking it - it's about allowing yourself to see what others see in you. You are a special person, resilient, funny and strong.
    Big hugs and sunshine to you, I hope this period passes soon. Marina.

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