Life on the hill

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

My sons

Playing along with Trish at My Little Drummer Boys for Wordless Wednesday

Posted with BlogsyMy little drummers boys

The ghosts have been stirred up in the house on the hill.

They are doing what ghosts do - haunting... trailing in the ether, their agitation quivering tangibly in the air.

Things - stuff, photos, books, clothes, memories...- get sorted, keep, give away, chuck.

Tears get shed, memories get disturbed from where I have tucked them away tight out of sight, shrunk to something tiny, small, insignificant...

My breath gets stuck in my throat, getting caught behind the lump that grows there when anxiety is rife in my blood...

My mind stumbles over every thought - stare blankly at the screen as it waits for my password, I can't remember it. I remember the first letter, the last three - but not all of it...

Two voices speak inside my head - the rational one that understands the biological process involved with what is going on with me right now, and the irrational one that speaks unspeakable things. And so the battle ensues...

I have made an appointment with my doctor and counsellor. I know how to take care of myself says the rational voice. The irrational one screams "BY WHY THE FUCK DO I EVEN HAVE TO?!"

image credit

Pictures really do say 1000s of words

Thursday morning

Beautiful sunshiney day

Monday afternoon

Boy and his dog

On Thursday morning Aston was really unwell. He looked like the first photo until this afternoon.

I was hanging put washing, and he asked me to stay outside with him in the sunshine. I was about to say no, because I wanted to clean the kitchen, and bake. Then I reminded myself, that this moment of him wanting me to sit in the sunshine with him was precious. The dishes weren't going anywhere, but every second Aston grows up more and more.

So very glad we did. He is so much better now. And I got to have a lovely soaking up of much needed vitamin d, something that I need a lot of.

Playing with my camera and different photo editing apps on both my phone (Nokia N8) and iPad. What apps do you use that you love? And are easy? Because I'm a complete noob when it comes to stuff like this. Actually, scrap that. I'm not a complete noob, I have improved... I'm a work in progress genius. There. That sounds better.

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Aotearoa - Land of the long white cloud

Back in early April, the man who makes my heart sing took me to New Zealand to show me where he grew up, and meet his brother. I was also returning to the country of my birth, a place I haven't been since I was six weeks old.

I am unfortunately a terrible flyer, so the trip there required a visit to the doctor, a script for Valium and me medicating myself regularly before even getting on the plane. Very dilergently, I administered said Valium as prescribed by my doctor, and was able to keep my anxiety under relative control.... Until we got to Auckland late, and had to practically run from the international airport to the domestic airport to catch our connecting flight to Napier.

So not a good flyer...

With agitation increasing as I walked through the terminal, I caught sight of the plane we were about to board. It was tiny! I had no water on me, so proceeded to work saliva into my mouth, push a Valium down the back of my throat trying not to gag. I boarded the plane, sat down next to M and promptly burst into tears. So much for keeping my anxiety under control!!

God I was glad to get off that plane. I think M was glad too, because it meant I finally lessen my grip on his arm and circulation could return to normal!

Hastings, where M spent most of his youth until he came to Australia, is known as the ‘fruit bowl’ of New Zealand because of its fruit and wine industry. It's a beautiful idyllic place, lush and green, and when we went, COLD. Because it was the place that M grew up in we saw a lot of people other then his family that he knew, and visited a lot of places that he hung out at. It is his belonging place...

I felt very privleidged to be given the gift of M's history, to be shown the places he played as a child, the pubs where he misbehaved as a young adult, the friends that he has known most of his life.

Never too old to climb trees

I realised that because I moved around so much as a child I don't have one. Initially it made me feel sad. I don't belong anywhere. But I worked through it. My belonging place isnt one physical place. It is wherever the people I love and hold closest to my heart are...

The people closest to my heart

Even though my belonging place is with the people who hold my heart, visiting my birth place ignited in me many questions and a desire to know it more. I have a whole arm of relatives there that I don't know. Maybe I might leave it that way... Maybe I won't. Regardless, it's the place that I arrived earth side, and I want to know and understand it more. It's what makes me a kiwi.

NZ greenstone

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Oh Nikki your've done it again

I love reading Styling You. Very rarely there isn't a post that I don't gobble up. I have been reading Nikki's blog for nearly two years, and can quite happily say that she has influenced more then several of my beauty and fashion purchases.

I would rather read Styling You then a fashion magazine, mainly because I can identify and relate to the posts that Nikki does. She is of a similar age to myself, has a foot in both camps of parenthood - teenagers and early primary, and she is a REAL woman. Not an -airbrushed -with -in -an -inch -of -her -life one.

She has given me confidence to get out of the mummy rut I found myself in, and embrace the fact that even though I am a mother, I am also a woman who likes nice clothes, likes to wear makeup, and recognise that those things contribute to me feeling good about myself - AND THAT ISN'T A BAD THING!

Her blog has introduced me to new designers that I happily lust after, because they are a little out of my budget, (but hey, a girl can dream can't she?), shown me ways I can shop in my wardrobe and put pieces together in ways that I hadn't considered, introduced me to budget pieces that look great, and by featuring some products, improved my skin tenfold!

Recently, I've added to my own beauty routine both Garnier's BB Cream and pure 1 in 3 cleanser. Both have had an amazing affect on my skin, something I have been battling with since being pregnant with my first son 14 years ago. Having sensitive skin, and having tried products that I have adverse reactions to, I have always been somewhat reluctant to try new products. To spend the money and then not be able to use it, and sometimes not be able to get a refund is somewhat frustrating. Nikki has sensitive skin as well, and guinea pigs herself regularly. Thank you for that!

She recently featured an online shopping find Witjuti, "stylish, comfortable and versatile clothing made from bamboo viscose fabric, for women". I had been looking for a long black wrap top for ages to replace the one that I had worn practically to death. I hadn't been happy with either the quality or the price of anything that I had seen, so I was a very happy bunny when I saw Nikki's suggestion. I promptly ordered one. I love it more then the one I was replacing. Their service was exceptional, I received it two days after I ordered it, beautifully wra

Oh there is so much more I could bang on about... Shopping in my wardrobe, Verily, Emerson, the wicked competitons she has. But I'll let you discover it all for yourself... Off you go. Click on the link.... You won't regret it.

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