The ghosts have been stirred up in the house on the hill.
They are doing what ghosts do - haunting... trailing in the ether, their agitation quivering tangibly in the air.
Things - stuff, photos, books, clothes, memories...- get sorted, keep, give away, chuck.
Tears get shed, memories get disturbed from where I have tucked them away tight out of sight, shrunk to something tiny, small, insignificant...
My breath gets stuck in my throat, getting caught behind the lump that grows there when anxiety is rife in my blood...
My mind stumbles over every thought - stare blankly at the screen as it waits for my password, I can't remember it. I remember the first letter, the last three - but not all of it...
Two voices speak inside my head - the rational one that understands the biological process involved with what is going on with me right now, and the irrational one that speaks unspeakable things. And so the battle ensues...
I have made an appointment with my doctor and counsellor. I know how to take care of myself says the rational voice. The irrational one screams "BY WHY THE FUCK DO I EVEN HAVE TO?!"
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*hugs*
ReplyDeleteHang in there hon.
thanks bri - i'm hanging in there...I ran away to my new home for the weekend. left the ghosts to fend for themselves. Have rested and regrouped and will go back this evening to battle with them again.
DeleteAbso-fucking-lutely. Why indeed? Be angry about it is my advice, for what it's worth. Anger is much more motivating and less paralyzing than fear and anxiety - don't you think? Love from me too. x
ReplyDeleteAnger is definately more motivating and less paralysing then fear and anxiety - just have to hook into it... its grief I've realised... overwhelming grief. that's what I have been feeling. and the wonderful world of PTSD. Just wasn't expecting it. Thought I had dealt with all this shit... but apparently the ghosts had other ideas. Going to see my counsellor will help, process stuff... running away for the weekend has helped too. Reconnecting with my man, and having a few discussions about things that have been going on in both our heads has helped ... ALOT!
DeleteOh sweety :(
ReplyDeleteSometimes the ghosts come back for some dumb arse reason we will never understand.
Close your eyes and remember to breath in all the amazing and good there is surrounding you.
xxx
I think I'm still in that place of never understanding why it all happened in the first place... which brings grief... huge sadness.
DeleteStaying at my new home this weekend has helped, being with my man, and talking through some things that needed to be talked through, and having a soul sister come and hang out with me last night helped immensely.
I can nearly start to believe the mantra - This too shall pass.
I do understand this frustration of "why?" and "why me?". But I don't know how helpful these questions are. I used to focus my energy on the "why" and try to find reasons. I gained some - but not full - understanding. That some understanding has been enough for now. I am happy that I no longer dwell there. I hope you are feeling better soon.
ReplyDeleteThe why and why me are futile questions... I know intellectually that I will never have the answers to them. Unfortunately there isn't a lot rational about anxiety and how it makes you feel.... Hence my frustration.
ReplyDeleteGoing to the doctor and my counsellor has and will ease the anxiety, and I'll be back to myself, on the other side of this, and happy. For me anxiety is like massive amounts of white noise that I can't block out, and because I can't block it out, I can't hear or make sense of anything.
Thanks for stopping by, and for commenting. It's nice to feel "heard".
Those ghosts are ever present hon. I swear my psych sees me as part of the furniture after all these years. The doctor possibly thinks I'm family. Hugs and strength. xxXOoo
ReplyDeleteYou know what's funny? I actually consider my therapist a friend,that's how long I've been seeing her.
DeleteThanks Carmen. I'll be ok. I always am. Just exhausted. X
Good on you for making that appointment, That's the hardest bit for me usually - admitting that I need help. xx
ReplyDeleteThat used to be the hardest part for me too. But after ending up so far down that its so hard to get back up, and seeing what it does to my children, and the people I love, I act quickly now. I hate that place... The hole, abyss, cave... And I fight hard not to fall too far down it. X
DeleteWow. So proud of you for taking care of yourself. Your self-awareness is sharp, I can tell. Which will always serve you well in life no matter what crap we go through. Sending you lots of love. xx
ReplyDeletethank you. what a lovely thing to say. x
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