Life on the hill

Saturday, November 28, 2009

a change in pespective

Last night as I sat feeling sorry for myself - lost alone and very sad, I started trawling through other peoples blogs. Usually when I have done this I get lots of blogs about peoples hobbies, and chit chat. but last night blog after blog came up about peoples stories about how they survive in the midst of sickness, having children with disabilities, people living with disabilities themselves...and all of them - in spite of, or even because of - had such positivity that I felt more then a little shame faced.

It sat with me all night. in my dreams, and in my first awakening. Bad things happen to good people. Its how you deal with it that is the fundamental difference between sitting and wallowing in self pity and recrimination, or embracing the difficulties life throws at us and smiling through it. I'm sure that all of those people I read about have bad days as well... but they CHOOSE to keep on fighting the good fight. They CHOOSE to see the beauty in the situations they have found themselves in.

I started doing the Moodgym - an online help program for people suffering from depression, and one thing stood out to me hugely. What you think is What you feel. If I think that its all too hard, then I will feel like its all too hard. If I think that today is a new day full of possibilities then I will feel like its a day new full of possibilities. I am responsibile for how I feel, I am responsible for my own happiness.

And I am also responsible for whether I let other peoples problems and unhappiness fall on me, or slide off me.

moving on...

I think its time for a new start. which means moving. which means sorting through three years of accumulated crap. right at the moment I cant see a way out of this forest I am in -so I think the best place to start is by cleaning away the debris, and a path will open up and I will find my way out, one step at a time.

this rollercoaster ride just never seems to end...

I haven't blogged for months, because all I have had to say is more of the same. The roller coaster has been never ending. Just when I think I have come to the end, the ride doesn't stop but speeds on up.

I hit the wall massively on Saturday evening, and with it comes the realisation that if I dont put myself first I'm going to end up in hospital. My PTSS is rife, and I'm currently feeling disassociated. Like I'm here watching myself. I can't remember conversations, i'm shaking all the time again, and the hyper vigelence and hyper startle response is ramped to max.

You would think that because i have the ability to actually write these things down that I would be able to control them. If anything it just makes me more frustrated that I can't stop it.

Its damaging my relationships with my children, which breaks my heart. I have to stop it before it gets beyond repair.

i guess as the saying goes... pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going.....

its the little things...

Yesterday I just wrote the day off. Had horrible period pain, and was feeling miserable about all that has been going on. About 3pm I decided enough was enough, and got in the kitchen with Laura and started baking for the week. We made choc chip cookies, jam drops, apricot and coconut chocolate slice, chocolate choc chip muffins, quiche and popcorn. small things, but I oddly felt like I had actually achieved something for the first time in ages!!! Felt like a mummy, and I havent felt like anything for a while.

A good friend rang me from Brugge, to champion me on. It made me feel heard, and loved to have someone randomly ring me to tell me I'm doing ok.

this morning, at 6am, Laura came into my room, and sat on the bed. I said to her, get into bed with me and have a cuddle. I really didnt know if she would or not, because of late I have been some what of the enemy in her eyes, but she did. We lay and talked about anything and everything. It was precious, and made the start of my day so much better.

small incremental changes... little things that make a difference.

Nathan has hurt his knee at football on Saturday. It is still very sore, and I am taking him to the doctor today. I hope that it is just bruised and nothing more serious. He will be devastated if it is. so fingers crossed that is something simple.

new beginnings

That is what I'm on the eve of - new beginnings. And instead of feeling excited, elated, amazed.... I just feel empty and sad, and overwhelmed.

After a horrendous week full of anger and hurt I asked DH to move out. That we couldn't keep doing this dance where everyone was getting hurt. On Monday I completely lost it and the horrible ugly Vicky that I thought I had buried forever exploded out of the volcano with such a terrible force that I am still reeling from it. On tuesday, Laura came undone, hitting me, and punching DH in the back, and anywhere else she could reach. Screaming abuse at him and me. She had reached her breaking point. On wednesday I told DH that he had to move out, that he had to find somewhere else to live. In order for any of us to be able to heal from the last five years of hurt and anger he has to remove himself.

Initially his response was to declare that he was going back to the UK. A decision that would be disasterous, not just because it would completely irridicate any possiblity of reconciliation, but would destroy any opportunity for him to get his back fixed. He is on worker's compensation at the moment, and has been for the last six months. The pain in his back is just getting worse, and no one is listening. he has two more specialist appointments over the next two weeks. Hopefully one of them will be able to do something.

I feel like where my heart should be there is a big black hole. I can't help but replay over the things that have occured in my life. I have made so many mistakes. When am I going to get it right?