Monday, September 26, 2016

Skin hunger

As I struggle to find a place that is comfortable to lie in, my body aches for touch.

To feel the curve of someone behind me, safe in their embrace. Their breath on my neck, the length of their body curled around mine. The weight of their presence a comfort, easy, and secure. Their warmth and energy mingling with mine.

Instead I lay within a nest of pillows, strategically placed to offer some support and comfort, and the illusion of weight. No warmth, no energy exchange, a lone tree on a deserted island, surrounded by sea.

Friday, September 16, 2016

I had to loose my breasts

I had to loose my breasts to get the narcissist who was in my life out.

Ok, so that may be a tad dramatic.

I did have breast cancer and had to have a double mastectomy
I did have a narcissist in my life, that I was fully aware that he was one.

It wasn't until I had the mastectomy was I able to cut him completely out of my life forever and ever and ever. Just like the cancer that was in my body, the cancer that was him was cut out of my heart.

That may sound harsh. And Nasty. But remember that this is my perspective and my experience. I allowed a man, a cancer of a man, to take up residence in my heart.

I first started to research narcissistic personality disorder when I started observing and listening to the bells that were going off in my gut, about 18 months ago. Believe me. I'd ignored them for a long time. He is such a chameleon, and so good at it, it's not surprising that the bells where ignored for so long.

Even with the knowledge of who he was, with absolute certainty, I still continued to be within his presence. Like a moth to a flame.

It was my distraction. My place to run away to so I didn't have to deal with the shitful thing that was about to happen to me. I expected nothing, no promises, just the space to be in for a little while.

I'd be watching the behaviour patterns of this man for such a long time by now I knew when he withdrew, I knew that he had met someone else, I knew that he was lying to me again. I knew he would do what he inadvertently did.

What I didn't know was just how much malice and nastiness he would do it with.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurting. My whole entire being is fucking hurting right now.

But I'm also learning a whole lot of lessons. Because through the enforced rest and recovery I'm in right now, I have no distractions, I'm listening. And learning. And becoming.

I know that I am not the loser in the ending of this relationship. I am so much the victor. Because, unlike him, I have learnt. I have listened. I take ownership of my part in this thing, whatever it was.

He never will.


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