Thursday, May 6, 2010

hollow... an empty husk. that's how I feel. and I'm frightened. I haven't felt this nearly this bad for eight years....and then I ended up in hospital.

I feel so incredible helpless. and my rational brain keeps telling me to not be so pathetic - your not dying, you are recovering from a knee reconstruction - its going to get better.... but all that does is make me feel more frustrated and more like a failure.

I feel so incredibly alone. I have three beautiful children to be thankful for - that right at this moment I am able to take care of, so I feel like I'm failing as a mother. I'm angry all the time. I feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life... that I won't be that important person in someone else's life ... not that I have been in the two failed relationships I have had anyway.

I've fought so hard to not be a product of my past... but it seems that regardless of the battle, I still am. I have chosen men who have - for whatever reason - let me done, be unable to communicate, not cherish me in the way that I desire... So it leaves me wondering - what if its ME? What if I'm damaged beyond repair, and aren't ever going to be in a relationship that is in the rhelms of normality - whatever the fuck that is!

I feel so empty inside... and are quickly running out of strength to keep the facade going. I want to feel joy in my life again, and yet all I can feel is the overwhelming blackness descending upon me. I can say things like "having wasted the last seven years of my life with Richard hasn't been for nothing because I have Aston - and I can't imagaine NOT having me in my life". but at the moment the words seem hollow.

I hate that I feel like I want to run away from all of it. What kind of mother feels like that?! I hate that I have to be the grown up, the responsible one, the one that forever puts her life on hold. and i hate that I feel that way. I am being taken over by bitterness and resentment. I don't want to be around anyone, because if I hear one more person say to me cheer up, hang in there, you can do this I think I may scream.

I want to curl up in a little ball and be left alone to wither away, and be blown away by the wind like dust that just disappears...into nothingness.


  1. you don't need to cheer up vicky, its no wonder you feel this way when you're physically incapacitated. That healing is sapping your strength and so these feelings are escaping.
    i think we will always be products of our past... but whilst i feel like a completely dysfunctional product, i can't say the same for you! Your value to me, your children and your friends is off the scale! I have never come across someone as inspiring as you. When i think i wont survive, i think 'nah i can, vicky did' - that's how i see you.
    I'm sorry you're feeling so misplaced at the moment..... i've put your blog on my tool bar so i remember to read it every day, so know that i'm here for you, in whatever way you need.

  2. Tan - you are most definately NOT a dysfunctional product...if you were you wouldn't be able to do what you are doing, which is fighting with every fibre of your being to be someone, something different.

    your next words made me cry - because I don't feel very inspirational - I guess its a matter of perspective though - so thank you for saying those kind beautiful words.

  3. Vicky I really feel for you reading this post. I can relate to so much of it. But I must agree, you are an inspiration. You have no idea what your words and support have meant to me and I'm only sorry that I don't comment more in here to show more of my support for you. I think there is an element of the lives of those, like us, who have been given a raw deal, that we will eventually come to terms with the fact that there will always be dark days. One can only hope that we will always have people like you in our lives to help us through. Know you are valued and you will be valued.


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