Monday, June 22, 2009

its the little things...

Yesterday I just wrote the day off. Had horrible period pain, and was feeling miserable about all that has been going on. About 3pm I decided enough was enough, and got in the kitchen with Laura and started baking for the week. We made choc chip cookies, jam drops, apricot and coconut chocolate slice, chocolate choc chip muffins, quiche and popcorn. small things, but I oddly felt like I had actually achieved something for the first time in ages!!! Felt like a mummy, and I havent felt like anything for a while.

A good friend rang me from Brugge, to champion me on. It made me feel heard, and loved to have someone randomly ring me to tell me I'm doing ok.

this morning, at 6am, Laura came into my room, and sat on the bed. I said to her, get into bed with me and have a cuddle. I really didnt know if she would or not, because of late I have been some what of the enemy in her eyes, but she did. We lay and talked about anything and everything. It was precious, and made the start of my day so much better.

small incremental changes... little things that make a difference.

Nathan has hurt his knee at football on Saturday. It is still very sore, and I am taking him to the doctor today. I hope that it is just bruised and nothing more serious. He will be devastated if it is. so fingers crossed that is something simple.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

new beginnings

That is what I'm on the eve of - new beginnings. And instead of feeling excited, elated, amazed.... I just feel empty and sad, and overwhelmed.

After a horrendous week full of anger and hurt I asked DH to move out. That we couldn't keep doing this dance where everyone was getting hurt. On Monday I completely lost it and the horrible ugly Vicky that I thought I had buried forever exploded out of the volcano with such a terrible force that I am still reeling from it. On tuesday, Laura came undone, hitting me, and punching DH in the back, and anywhere else she could reach. Screaming abuse at him and me. She had reached her breaking point. On wednesday I told DH that he had to move out, that he had to find somewhere else to live. In order for any of us to be able to heal from the last five years of hurt and anger he has to remove himself.

Initially his response was to declare that he was going back to the UK. A decision that would be disasterous, not just because it would completely irridicate any possiblity of reconciliation, but would destroy any opportunity for him to get his back fixed. He is on worker's compensation at the moment, and has been for the last six months. The pain in his back is just getting worse, and no one is listening. he has two more specialist appointments over the next two weeks. Hopefully one of them will be able to do something.

I feel like where my heart should be there is a big black hole. I can't help but replay over the things that have occured in my life. I have made so many mistakes. When am I going to get it right?


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