Saturday, April 25, 2009

Ask and it is given

I'm reading a book... in the moments that I can grab for myself called that. Ask and it is given. Based on the Law of attraction. So far it hasn't said anything that I didn't already believe, but its good to get a reminder, and start PRACTISING it.

Still in fake it till I make it mode... but unfortunately I physically hit the wall on Thursday night. It had been building, so I shouldnt be surprised, but I always are. I keep going and going and going until my body says RIGHT, if you are not going to stop, then we will make you. I completely blew my stack - yelled at aston, which I never do, screamed at Richarscreamed intod, and threw a box of wipes at him, and some tupperware, kicked aston's potty chair up the hallway, screamed and punched the pillows on the bed, thumped the wall...basically behaved fairly appallingly. I went outside, and attempted to calm down. Once I was feeling a little calmer, was able to give Aston a shower, and get him dressed, and have stories, and cuddles. While I was doing that, Richard ran me a bath. That day during our session with Anne, our counsellor, she had told him that as I am in the middle of a PTSS, I really need to be resting for at least 3 hours a day - not sleeping, but resting. being still. and how could he facilatate that. Having a bath was one of those things. I realised that I hadn't had a bath - a soak with candles and NO children since I had moved to this house - over two years ago.

Laura reacted - as she would, because her mother had just been behaving like a banshee - by saying to Richard, so do you think that running her a bath and crawling up her arse is going to make everything ok? hmmm. I waited while I lay in the bath, trying to focus on the candles burning and asking the universe to help R to respond appropriately. And he did. He just asked her to go away, calmly. She keep coming back, and saying more things. Not aggressively, but assertively. getting things off her chest, things that she has been bottling in. A little time passed, and I sent it out to the universe that he would have HEARD what she was saying, and would ask to talk to her calmly. He knocked on her door on two different occasions, and asked her if she would come out so that they could talk. But Laura refused.

I got out of the bath, and got dressed, and felt better for the soak. My body is so sore. my lower back and right hip are aching, with pain radiating down right to the tip of my big toe. Very odd. I knocked on Laura's door and said to her that I was very proud of her for speaking her mind, and staying in control. She didnt want to talk to me, so I left her alone. I tried to speak to Richard, and see if he actually had been able to understand what was going on... but all he could see was how hard he has been trying for the last month, and why was she saying all of this stuff now? I reminded him yet again, that how he has behaved, has not just affected him, that we are all traumatised, and all need to heal.

The next morning, he behaved like a perpetualent toddler, hiding the breakfast cereal that he had made for him, me, laura and Aston to eat. and actually stating well she can't talk to me like that.... sigh. After the kids had left for school he asks me to find out how much Child Support he will need to pay me for Aston, as he is moving out. I was gobsmacked... He went on to tell me that he had been trying hard for the last month, and wasn't going back to that place that he had been at, and Laura was going to put him there, so he thought it would be better if he just removed himself, and moved out. God I hate ADHD. I asked him if he had his meds yet.... and to maybe hold off on making that kind of decision until he had seen the doctor, which he had an appt for that morning. My body started to shake... even more then it was. At the moment, that is my constant state - hyperviglence, and shaking.

I got a text from Laura asking me if R was moving out, because Nathan had seen R looking up rentals in the phone book. Then she heard a conversation between R and I, which I was unaware of. I had asked him, if that was what he really wanted to do, where did that leave US. and that shouldn't he perhaps try a few other things before bolting out the door, that it was unrealistic for him to expect all of us to just forget everything that has happened in the last five years, all because he has been trying hard for a month!!!! (And I am proud to say that I did this calmly - after loosing the plot the night before- i had managed, some how to regroup!)

So I went to get dinner organised, and couldn't find laura. I rang her mobile, and she answered, Where are you? I'm not telling you... and hung up. I went into her room. my heart was racing, and my body was shaking. looked for a note... something. found a note on the floor in the kitchen. She had taken off. I grabbed my phone, and jumped into the car to go and look for her - not until after having to yell at R to stop polishing the glasses and read the note. It was dark outside. Thankfully she was only at the end of the driveway, 700m of it. But she wasnt getting in the car. No way no how. so here I am driving beside her, in the dark at 2kms an hour as she walks up the road. stopping periodically to tell me to go away. I'm not coming back. if R leaves then so does she... round and round and round. I was on the precipice of a full blown panic attack. I rang my best friend, so that I could talk to someone, so I didnt disappear. I finally managed to get her in the car. and we went home, but only under the pretense that I was going to take her some where else. I texted my sister in law, asking her to call, and speak to Laura. L and her have a great relationship, and I know I needed reinforcements.

I yet AGAIN spoke to R about how Laura was feeling, and why she was behaving the way she was. and that we needed to ALL have a conversation. Which evenuated... Laura sat curled up in the chair, listening very quietly, and nodding. R had said to her, because she didnt want to talk, could he put to her what he thought was wrong, and how she may be feeling - which was basically everything that I had said to him. and that she could stop him, or indicate if he was on the right track or not...

It ended with him giving her a cuddle. a real cuddle, and her responding.

So many fires....

Monday, April 6, 2009

Every cloud has a silver lining....

Several days ago I really wouldnt have thought that was even a possible thought to think! But today has been a good day - and I am shifting perspective... from focussing on what is so crap at the moment, to what is positive and good. In the hope that it will lift my soul.

The last couple of weeks really have been horrendous, with one thing after another happening - first R attempting suicide, then Nathan accidently breaking the mower to the point of irrepairable, then the looming deadline for assessments for uni, then the flash flooding that meant that Aston was not able to get home and had to stay at friends; Laura and Nathan had to be escorted through the flood waters in life jackets by the SES and R's mobile phone got water damaged in the process. I actually yelled up at the sky "WHAT MORE GOD ARE YOU GOING TO THROUGH AT ME??!!!"

Serendipity occurred... a received an email from the Peaceful Warrior website, about unreasonable happiness, and the same day a good friend of mine (thank you Tan) talked to me about exactly the same thing. About faking it until you make it... about shifting the perspective. So I have. And some amazing things have happened. Small - but in the midst of the madness they have been lifesaving. Aston had a wonderful time at his first unintentional sleep over, and miss mum oh so much NOT! The insurance compnay have replaced the phone for $50 excess, and at midnight last night I remember that we had accidental damage cover on our insurance plan, so I rang them again today and the Lawnmower will be replaced for $100 excess. Over $1000 worth of merchandise for $150. Work cover have also agreed to pay for the mowing to be done because of R back. And all my assessments have had extensions granted. Plus because the drive has been washed away the house inspection that was due to be done tomorrow has been put off for another month - which is great because I really havent had the energy or inclination to do all those inspection type cleaning things that have needed to be done.

So for the first time in days I actually feel positive. And its a nice feeling. :D

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Taking care of business

I went to the doctor on Wednesday and lost the plot... just cried and cried. In order to change medication that will control both the PTSS and Anxiety I have to come off my current one over a two week period, before I can start a new one. This is just not possible right now. I know if I even attempted it I would end up in a screaming heap. So we have compromised and she has given me another medication to control the effects of the PTSS - namely the feeling like a over tightened spring... in full flight or fight mode. This is ok for short periods of time, but for a long period it is completely exhausting.

It seems to be working. We also discussed a plan for me, and taking of me. I will go and see her weekly, and my therapist weekly as well. She wants me to exercise daily, and get some sun daily. apparently the Vitamin D in sunshine is good for combating depression.

Things with DH are still ordinary... day by day... sometimes moment by moment. There was a horrible start to the day today. When I got up - after having a crap night's sleep due to horrible dreams that had the monster in them - I went out to the kitchen, and there was an empty beer mug on the counter. I asked DH's dad if he had another beer last night, and he said no. I went to the fridge and there was a quarter bottle left in the fridge. I was unsure whether this was from the previous day or not... but I got angry, and was sure that DH had something to drink once everyone had gone to bed. Because I had told him uncatergorically that he had to choose between alcohol or his family! So I was pretty pissed off. When he finally got up I asked him... and he denied denied denied. swore on his mother's grave. punched the outside wall.... it was so much fun NOT! I just sat, and didnt say anything... Once he had calmed down, I said to him that He had to understand it from my position - I have NO trust for him anymore, and dont believe anything that comes out of his mouth... that the trust had to be rebuilt...

I don't know if there will be any resolution in this relationship... all I do know is for now that I have to make sure that I have tried absolutely everything to make it work... so I will wait and see if going on the ADHD meds, and going to counselling will make a difference. If it doesnt change anything then at least I know in my heart that I have tried everything, and can walk away from it with out and second guessing....



Blog Design by Sommerfugl Design