Life on the hill: feelings

Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Pain

Pain is my nemesis.

My cross to bear.

Burning spreads across my chest.

Tentacles snake up my neck ... across my shoulders... down my arms...

If I drew it, it would look like a molten heaving mass - black, and red, and yellow...

Fatigue melts my flesh ‘til it feels liquid and heavy...

the only respite -

Be a horizon on a bed of relief.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

My soul whispers...

“Let go of the sea of shame.

The dishes will wait.

The floors will stay unswept.

No one is coming to judge your decor.

Let go.”

I lay as an horizon.

My body at rest...restore...repeat.

I’ve been here before,

I’ve risen.

I will.

Again.

In the past when I've been caught in the sea of emotions, and the waves start rolling in, I've tried to out run them. I'd get caught, and picked up and tossed around, turning over and over, lost in the turbulence. Or I would try to jump over them, only to get a slap of emotion across the head, the force throwing me off balance.

This time I trying something different. I'm diving into those waves. Sometimes there are only moments to catch my breath before I have to dive again. And sometimes I get to lift my face to the sun, and it dries my tears before the next set of waves arrives.

Diving under those waves doesn't feel as chaotic as trying to outrun them or jump over them.

Everything is just TOO...

The sun is too bright.
Temperature too hot,
or too cold.
Blankets too heavy.
Voices are too loud.
People take up too much space.
Clothes are too restricting.
Skin tingles too much.
Smells are too sweet,
too putrid,
too delicious,

too disgusting.

Touch is too demanding.
My senses are too heightened.
My emotions are too intense.
I'm too uncomfortable.
I'm too hard to love.
I have too many feelings.
It is all too much.

The conversations I didn't think I'd ever be having

I had to go to the ladies when I was out to dinner with my daughter and her partner, so I could let my tears fall without having to give an explanation.

I didn't want to tell my beautiful girl that I was crying because I'm terrified that I won't get to see all the magnificent things that she is going to do. That I
was crying because hearing others making plans a year into the future, both terrifies me, and makes me sad. I don't make plans that far into the future any more.

During dinner someone said to me, "You can come too." as they discussed plans for a cruise. I quipped back,"I don't even know what I'm doing next week.

Every feeling I have is often quickly followed by another. Staying in one feeling is difficult. My feelings are like a butterfly flitting from flower to leaf, leaf to flower.

The one consistent thing about cancer is that the treatment is fucking relentless. Surgery. Radiation. Chemotherapy. Medication. They all come with their own set of side effects and consequences. My life now is a constant process of managing them.

I dodged the chemo bullet. Not the others though. The one plaguing my life right now is hormone blockers. Fatigue like I've been rolled over by a steamroller, repeatedly. Aching joints, bones, body, and that's just getting out of bed. Mood swings, where the tiniest things will irritate me, or tears will roll down my cheeks, just because. Eye things, that make me clean my already clean glasses constantly, because I'm sure that it will remove the annoying visual disturbance. A decrease in my bone density, making my bones brittle. A vagina drier then the fucking Sahara desert. (Did you know that your vagina can hurt from dryness WITHOUT EVEN HAVING SEX??!!?! Who'd have thunk it?!)

I had a conversation with my beautiful girl about hormone blockers. About stopping taking them. It wasn't received very well. I'm not stopping taking them. Just thinking about it at this stage. I'll wait until I have a bone density scan in December and depending on the results, discuss it with my oncologist.

My daughter said to me today, "I don't think you'd survive it a third time Mum."

These types of conversations are ones that I never thought I'd be having with my children. I thought I'd see all the things, Do all the things. I thought i had time. Instead now I feel like a ticking time bomb, managing side effects and the potential for cancer to return. Everything I do, from yoga, to the gym, to the supplements and medication I take, to the food I eat, is all done with that in mind. Stop cancer coming back. Again. For round three.

Forget. Remember. Repeat.

A constant stream of forgetting.
Then remembering.

Clothed, I bear the shape of a woman.
Naked, a prepubescent girl, my chest a battlefield of scars.

The factitious swell of breasts deceives strangers, tricks my mind.
Then a stab of pain, like a lightening bolt through the space were a nipple once lay, shatters the illusion.

My child, feverish and in need of comfort,goes to rest his head upon my chest. He stops as he remembers, and places a cushion where my breasts should be and lays down his head to rest.

I remember how, in the before time, an infant grew, nourished by the magic manna that my body made.

A lovers embrace isn't as easy as it once was. He stumbles, conscious of not wanting to hurt scars that are numb. I'm still learning how to move in this altered body of mine. In the heat of passion I forget. Then remember, as my lover's thumb traces the scars.

A constant stream of forgetting. Then remembering.

I wonder when, or even if, the remembering and forgetting ever moves into acceptance.

I want...

I want to lean into you.

To rest my head against your chest

and listen to the sound of your heart beating.

I want to feel your embrace.

Arms wrapped around me,

chin gently rubbing the top of my head.

I want to taste your lips.

Rest our foreheads against each other's

and breathe in each other's breath.

I want to listen to your voice.

Question your thoughts.

Ask why, and what if, and how.

I want to lay in your arms.

Fall asleep in the safe cocoon of your embrace.

Wake with your arm around my waist.

I want to not feel afraid.

To feel the fear and do it anyway.

To take a leap and learn how to fly.

I want to trust in myself.

To have no expectations. No disappointments,

but often beautiful sweet surprises of the unexpected.

Skin hunger

As I struggle to find a place that is comfortable to lie in, my body aches for touch.

To feel the curve of someone behind me, safe in their embrace. Their breath on my neck, the length of their body curled around mine. The weight of their presence a comfort, easy, and secure. Their warmth and energy mingling with mine.

Instead I lay within a nest of pillows, strategically placed to offer some support and comfort, and the illusion of weight. No warmth, no energy exchange, a lone tree on a deserted island, surrounded by sea.

Rebound

" or·bit

1. a. The path of a celestial body .... as it revolves

around another body. "

Caught in each others orbit

circling around.

Oblivious to the outside...

its noise, an annoyance.

The pull - sublime.

The elliptical spinning - thrilling

and ...

dangerous.

Caught in another star's orbit.

Our gravities - entwined.

Slowly, gently, disentangle the tendrils,

each one bouncing back to its rightful place - my heart.

Realign my celestial body

to revolve around my heart.

It deserves to be loved,

admired, praised ... adored.

I can not love another ...

until ...

I learn to love myself

... again.

Fragmented

I can feel myself fragmenting

Piece by shattered piece.

To be put back together

Like a puzzle, battered and chipped in places,

The picture still beautiful when complete.

Posted with Blogsy

Too little... Too late...

I looked down at my phone. There was a text from him.

"I miss you so much!!! I'm sorry for everything vicky. LYC "

I pressed the lock button on the phone and threw it in my bag, momentarily thankful, after it hit my bag on the floor, that I'd spent that $90 on a case. It allowed for me take my second of frustration out on an inanimate object.

Too little ... Too late.

That was the thought in my head.
Not sadness. Not anger. Irritation ...
Hurt...

I gave you my heart. And you didn't honour, respect or care for it like you promised you would. I know, that just like me, you are only human and make mistakes. But a fundamental difference between my humanity, and yours... I treat people with kindness, and care, and love. And that doesn't make me weak or stupid. It makes me compassionate. Forgiving. Loving. Caring.

My view of the world won't be dimmed by someone else's negativity. If they are on a mission of self destruction, and choose to slap the hand of kindness and love away, that is their choice. Mine is to remove myself away from the slap, forgive but not forget.

Posted with Blogsy

Oh look. It's FFS Friday

I often read Dear Baby G FFS Fridays. It a weird kind of way it makes me feel better that the snap shots we see of other peoples lives aren't all photoshopped in amazingness. Not because I'm glad that they are having FFS moments, but because it puts my FFS into perspective. In reality life is full of FFS and wonderful moments. And because I choose to look at the half full glass most of the time, and push the FFS moments done, they often don't get acknowledged. And sometimes that just isn't healthy. We all need the opportunity to vent and release, in the hope that by doing so the negative energy those FFS moments are causing will dissipate.

Well that's my theory and I'm sticking to it FFS

The man I live with lost his job on Monday, along with fifty other guys FFS

Which means that after 5 weeks of being at home after taking voluntary redundancy, and less then a week back at work he is at home AGAIN FFS

Which means he is going to drive me bat shit crazy FFS

I need a fucking holiday BY MYSELF FFS

It ain't gonna happen FFS

I want a massage, a pedicure, a facial, a manicure and I want someone else to organise it and pay for it FFS

That also ain't gonna happen FFS

My daughter informed me that she has changed her mind AGAIN about going to schoolies FFS

I hate the fact that I can't do anything about it FFS

I am having trouble going to sleep, staying asleep, and having horrible nightmares FFS

This makes me a cranky irritable person to be around, and if one more person asks me whats wrong I may just explode FFS

You are so right Sarah - this is cheaper the MOFO therapy!

Worlds and atlases

No pretty pictures.

Just words. Words that will probably make no sense.

My veneer is rock hard. Underneath, I'm shaking. The internal dialogue is rife with questions and anguish. Punctuated with a lot of shhh... Shhh... Breathe....

I'm heart sore. Again.

I think I must be attracted to dodgey salesmen. Ones that promise the world, but deliver faulty atlases. At least if it was a decent atlas I might be able to use a map to navigate my way out of this mess!!

Being with your best friend, feeling alone, and missing them madly all in the same beating moment is soul shattering....

equilibrium restoration

By Wednesday of this week I was in desperate need of restoring my equilibrium. I was already feeling somewhat empty before death visited our house. Now my soul hurt.

I had already arranged earlier in the month to visit a girlfriend on the coast, with the intention of going to the beach with Aston and her girls. As is the way with life, plans changed, and Nathan desperately wanted to see his friend, the brother of the young man who died on Sunday.

~~I stuck the taxi cab sign on top of my car~~ dropped my mum off at my sisters, Nathan off at his friends, and finally arrived at my girlfriends. Hot, bothered and somewhat sore. Driving any longer then 20 mins is still sending my back into spasms. We weren't going anywhere.

When my girlfriend returned to work after having both her babies I was privileged to be able to look after her little girls for the year they were one. They are part of my "framily". Miss Rubilicious, the youngest at 3, greeted me at the door with a huge cuddle. It was just what I needed.

We didn't do anything overly exciting. A and I sat and drank tea, and discussed the best apps for various things. Aston and her girls played and played and played, giggling, laughing, dressing up and discussing the various things that were going to happen in their "game". (Have you ever sat and listened to two six year olds discussing a game? The intricacies involved of who is doing what and when are highly entertaining.)

Doing something simple was sweet manna for my soul. Just being ... listening and watching helped restore my equilibrium, bring my physical being into balance.

Do you ever feel out of balance? What restores your equilibrium?

I fail at being a girl

There are times when I really fail at being a girl.

The whole menstratuion thing. Periods. You'd think after 30 fucking years of getting them, month after month, with the expection of the wonderful break of 3 x 9 months, I would be used to this.

But no. Each month I am knocked on my arse with fatigue, pain, and malaise. And each month I tell myself to be gentle, to embrace my femaleness, to celebrate it. All in the hope that by doing so being knocked on my arse will not feel so horrid. I have come to the conclusion that I can embrace my feminity until the moon turns blue, its aint gonna change the way my period effects me. I think I just need to embrace the fact that painkillers and my hotwater bottle are my best friends for one week of the month.

I can see why it was nicknamed the curse. For me it fucking is.

Please tell me I'm not alone.

Where to now Charlie Brown?

What am I doing?

What are my plans?

Where am I'm heading?

That's all that has been going through my head for the last month.

Moving home from a place, that while I no longer wanted to live there anymore, it was a place I knew, to suburbia, and all that it entails, has caused me to feel somewhat displaced.

When you have been in an area for 8 years, which is the longest I have ever lived anywhere in my life, this feeling is somewhat disconcerting. I moved around a lot both as a child, and an adult, until I moved to the Noosa Hinterland. Although I moved to three different houses in that time, I was in the same area, same people, same familiarity, same routine for those 8 years.

Now, I am at sea - with everything. Everything is unfamiliar. And if I'm really honest, at times, terrifying. My children have adjusted far quicker, and better then I. There is Truth in that statement about the resilience of children. Me, on the other hand, I have those three questions set on constant replay in my brain at the moment. Instead of pushing me into action, I find them paralysing me with fear.

I read something today over at Work Life Bliss, about the one brick strategy. What the author behind that story experienced was huge compared to the little life change I have had. But the overwhelming feeling, and the consequent strategy can still apply. One brick, that's all I need to take out of the wall that I feel I am standing in the shadow of. Let in a beam of light, and maybe, just maybe I can see where to now....

You're not in Kansas anymore...

So I've done two loads of washing, made lunches, made three lots of lunches, made sure three kids had breakfast, made their beds and gotten them to the three different schools they attend. Packed the dishwasher, cleaned the kitty litter, made myself a cup of coffee to sit and contemplate what to tell you...

Dorothy, you're not in Kansas anymore!

I haven't lived in real suburbia in 15 years, since I left the Sutherland Shire (yes, the one made infamous by THAT show) to live on the Sunshine Coast. Back then suburbia on the Sunshine Coast was nothing like Sydney. But there are definitely areas now that resemble it. I just kept moving further north until I was on a hill surrounded by fields, cows, kangaroos, and various other forms of wildlife, including the slithering kind!

Now, I am bang smack in the middle of full core suburbia. Massive estate that is just continuing to grow, wonderful pathways, and parks, and lakes dotted around the place.

And people. Lots and lots and lots of people.

It's all new and strange, and more then a tad overwhelming. This is the first time since I moved that I have had the house to myself for more then an hour. Until 3pm, the house is all mine. So what to do?

image credit

oh joy, my cat just brought in a bird. A bird! FFS she has a bell, how the hell did she do that!!

What was it Glinda the good witch said to Dorothy? "You've always had the power to go back to Kansas" ..... now, just have to find my ruby slippers, click my heels three times, and I will be home.

(and all the unpacking will be done, and everything will be where it should be, and I'll have a job, and...)

when life was still pregnant with possibility...

I saw my daughter on Saturday for the first time since mid September... since everything tipped upside down. It was so good to put my arms around her and hold her - even if initially she was reluctant.

Its the longest time I have ever not seen her in 15 years.

It hurts still. I miss her terribly. I don't miss the fighting. But I feel like I've picked a scab, and it stings.

Seeing her - well my internal dialogue is rampant again with the words failure.

I wish I could rewind time... back to a time before. Only problem is which point in "before" would I rewind back to? To a time when life was still pregnant with possibility...?

Laura and I March 1996

I am...

There is a Christina Aguleria song that I love. It describes me so perfectly... with all my neurosis

I am timid and

I am oversensitive

I am a lioness

I am tired and defensive

You take me in your arms

And I fall into you

I have insecurities

You show me I am beautiful

Love me or leave me
Just take it or leave it

It's not that I'm needy

Just need you to see me

Take me, free me, see through to the core of me

Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

Mmmm...

I am temperamental and

I have imperfections and
I am emotional

I am unpredictable

I am naked

I am vulnerable

I am a woman

I am opening up to you

Love me or leave me

Just take it or leave it

It's not that I'm needy

Just need you to see me

Take me, free me, see through to the core of me

Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

Now I stand before you with my heart in my hands

I'm asking you to take me just the way that I am

Please lay down your arms, do you know me?

Make me feel safe from harm

Take me, free me, see through to the core of me

Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental and

I have imperfections and

I am emotional

There'll be no more pretending

and how I feeling...right now....

a light bulb moment

I had a session with my therapist today. She came to see me, seeing as how I can't drive. I told her hollow I was feeling inside. about how I stuck my neck out so that R would finally go to Robbie's house so Aston could see him.about how angry I am at my mother.

As we talked, and she suggested things, it suddenly dawned on me that the reason I turned myself into a pretzel for the kids, in regards to their absent fathers was because it triggers something deep with in me... that disappointed little vicky...that didn't have a father as he should have been. She pointed out to me as we discussed it further, that the next time a situation presents itself that does exactly that, trigger me, then I put my children's feelings first and foremost, to stop, and think about what was really happening. It is NOT my responsibility to make sure that their fathers have a relationship with them. Its their FATHER's responsibilities. I end up sacrificing myself and my heart, in the hope that my children's hearts won't be hurt, and it doesn't end up making any difference... we all still get hurt.

She also spoke to me today about thinking about what it is that I desire in my life... to consciously think about what it is that I want to come into my life. and my first thought was I want someone in my life that will treat me with kindness... and as much as I say I don't ever want to have another relationship, in my heart I do... to be treated with love and respect and kindness.

So there.. I'm putting it out there...that there is someone out there who wants to treat me with love and respect and kindness.