Sunday, June 27, 2010

Who'd have thought....

that reading back on my own blog could be inspirational?

Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old. Ralph Waldo Emerson

came across that quote as I was reading back. ... very timely, and it helped shift my perspective, and let me fall calmly from my heightened state of vigilance ... arhhh that's better.

Think I'll have to write this one out for me to see every day... have just put it to go off on my phone at 11am every day...

Sunday, June 20, 2010


oh I just LOVE being a single mum. LOVE it... because you know it means I get to have SOOOOOOOOOOO much time to myself. Can go and do whatever I want when ever I want to... its a fucking blast!

I'm seriously fucking HATE that man.

I changed my mobile phone number to stop the constant texting. Which of course has moved on to emails. I spammed his email. But just getting them still drives me fucking nuts. I'm going to call the police again, make an appointment, and make a complaint... again... because apparently - 3 complaints, and THEN they will do something. so I will make another complaint, with the emails he has sent since I made the last one, and then I will go and make another complaint for the emails I will no doubt receive.

Manipulative piece of shit... how dare he take no responsibility. How dare he make this out to be about me. I think if I saw him right now, I'd punch him in the head... and probably keep punching... in fact I think I'd fucking run a knife through him.

I'm angry at myself, for not doing anything sooner. I'm angry that its affecting me. I'm angry that I feel like I dont want to do this anymore. I'll just walk out the door, and not come back.... oh its so easy to throw judgement around, and not take responsibility for anything. fucccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

yes I'm fairly furious right now. incredibly so. want to pick up the phone and scream abuse at him. but then he wins....

so instead I'll dump abuse here and rant and scream. wish I sould say it makes me feel better. but it doesnt.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

how come its so hard to accept kindness?

why is it that I have such a hard time accepting someone being kind to me? Why do I feel so undeserving? a product of conditioning? of  living in chaos, and in hypervigilence mode?

Yet I  think nothing of extending kindness to others... but to be on the recieving end of kindness overwhelms me. My first response is um,... Why? Why would you want to do that for ME? Not that I verbalise it. Its just the first thing that comes into my head.

Mr D has asked me to go to Melbourne with him for the weekend mid-July. And I'm completely gob smacked. My first response in my head was Why? Why would you want to take me away?

I am going to go. but are feeling overwhelmed.. and trying to figure out why. There are tears just there. Maybe I should just stop trying to figure out why, and just be in the present. and accept it for what it is. an act of human kindness. and write on my mirror YOU ARE DESERVING.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

pandora's box

you'd think that having had an amazing weekend that I would be feeling fantastic... I did... and then today just went on and on and on... with constant texting, and now phone calls from R.

on friday I went back to the police, after going on Wednesday to lodge a complaint about breaching the dvo. Had to go back on friday, because that was the next time that particular constable was on. It took me over six hours to get the software onto my computer to be able to transfer the 100 odd texts onto my computer into a format that could be attached to my statement. was an extreme exercise in frustration.

and to make matters worse, R decided that he wasn't go to go to supervised visitation, and left Aston and i waiting at the centre for half an hour, then after the supervisor called, and he didnt answer, she told us to go. to see my Aston face, and have to explain to him that daddy couldnt come today, and conjole him with going to the shops, and him saying to me that He didnt want to do that, he wanted to see daddy, broke my heart. While I was putting aston in the car, the phone at the centre rang, and the supervisor came out and informed me that R wasn't coming, and wouldnt be attending supervised visitation anymore.

I hadn't even been out of the police station 5 mins when I get yet another text. Since Friday I have had over 30 texts from him, and phone calls. I called the police on Saturday, to be put through to dispatch, and informed that they don't actually do anything about breaches like mine, it just gets "flagged". so I requested that the constantable that I had been dealing with contact me. didnt hear from him. so I called again on sunday. didnt hear from him. He rang yesterday and left a message on the phone. I called again today, to get through to dispatch again, spoke to a different person, who said that texts message as evidence where very hard to verify.

I have told three different police officers that R's behaviour is escalating...

basically the dvo is a useless piece of paper, that means nothing unless he turns up here. which I can feel coming. So everything I did, going to court three times to get the stupid thing, is for nothing. I wanted to avoid a confrontation in front of my children. They have already seen enough crap... I feel completely disempowered. having to tell my daughter that in the event that he does turn up I want her to take nathan and aston into my wardrobe made me feel sick. to drive home from picking up aston from daycare, and seeing nathan sitting there waiting, with a look of terror in his eyes, and when asking him what was wrong, he said, that he was frightened that R was going to come here.

I'm so enraged at the moment. so very very angry. and amongst those feelings are the emotions of a frightened terrified little girl, who saw more voilence then any child should ever see. I lost it tonight. just closed down. crawled into bed, and started crying. Laura picked aston up, and took him to bed, and read him stories. I told nathan that I didn't care what he did, because he never listens to me anyway, so do what ever you want... and I disappeared. just laid in my bed and cried.

Aston has croup, and Laura brought him into lay with me, and he fell asleep right away after asking "mummy what's wrong?". while i was crying laura asked me if I wanted a cuddle and I said no, it would just make me cry more, and she laid down and cuddled me... and spoke words far beyond her years... and that makes me so heart sore. Its not her job to look after me. Its MY look after me, and them.

About half an hour ago, aston woke with a bad croup attack, with stridor, so I made the decision to give him redipred, which is exactly what they would do at the hospital. He is laying on the lounge beside me, propped up on cushions, and is asleep for the moment.

I can feel myself folding in on myself, disassociating, my emotions all confused about what is happening now, and what happened so many years ago... its all intermeshed.

What sucks the most - I had an amazing 24 hours with Mr D. beautiful, special, amazing, wonderful. I almost feel like I'm being punished for having such a good time.

Monday, June 7, 2010


..... yep grrrrr.

I feel amazing, wonderful, fantastic, brilliant...... but....

the last two nights I have had flashback dreams. I haven't had dreams like this for a while. and usually when I dream about "him" something is coming...

I woke up in the night last night, crying. Its unsettling. Especially when all I want is someone to hold me, and help make that feeling go away.

I need to ring the Victim's Registry today and update my details... and I will be able to find out as well if anything has changed since the last time I called.

There is this sick black feeling in the pit of my stomach, that I am trying very hard to ignore... especially as everything else in my life has been feeling sooooooooooo good.


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