Thursday, December 10, 2009

Be not the slave of your own past...

Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old. Ralph Waldo Emerson

The other I went looking for inspirational quotes. I like a lot of Emerson's and have comfort often in his words. the above one jumped out at me like a beacon. So I have decided I need to put it everywhere... to remind myself. Its all good and well to have inspirational quotes, but if you dont inhale them into your being there is no point.

We have had sickness in our house again since last Thursday. First Aston, then I started feeling unwell on Sunday, and so was Nathan, but he decided not to tell me. Trouble was that what he wasn't telling me was that he was coughing up blood! He stayed at home on Monday, and I had to leave him at home by himself while I ran R around to appointments and do some christmas shopping. I felt like I was walking through cement most of the day. My nose was running non stop, my body ached, and I wanted to be anywhere but out! Bed being the preferred option.

About the only good thing that came out of the running around, other then getting some christmas shopping done, was I was at the pyshciatrist with R. And it was a very interesting appointment. The Doctor was very blunt with him, and told him that he was pissing him about, and if that he (the doctor) was going to be able to help him manage his mental health problems then he needed to see R alot more often then he had been. The last few appointments R has cancelled, and there was one where I was driving him to it, and after coping verbal abuse for most of the journey, when we got to the exit to go to where the doctor is I turned around and told him to call the doctor because I didnt have to put up with his abuse.

No surprise, R didnt tell that to the Doctor, but he is no fool, and called him on a lot of his behaviours. And I had the opportunity to express what I was feeling, and where I was at, as far as my own health, and what I viewed R and mine relationship as. I'm glad I had that opportunity - to speak it in front of a third party, because R doesnt listen. He hears and believes what he wants to hear and believe. and so the dance goes on!!

Tuesday, I was feeling worse, and I decided that seeing as how Aston is also HIS son, that he could take some responsibility and help me out, so I called him to come and get him and take him to daycare. While I was waiting for him to arrive to pick up Aston, Nat's school called "did you know that Nathan's is coughing up blood?" Well you can imagaine the panic attack I then had... Like yeah right - I send my kids to school when they are coughing up blood so that someone else can deal with it!! I rang R back and told him, and he picked Nat up from school, and we took him to the doctor. He has bronchitis, and is on antibiotics, and seems to be on the improve. He is disappointed because I wont let him go to school - but my hyperviglent mode has kicked in big time. I have had him sleeping in my bed so that I can hear him. He has been wheezing a lot, but assures me that the blood has stopped. hmmmm.

I'm still feeling ordinary - worse then ordinary. Its an effort to get up from bed to walk down the hallway, and do anything at all. I am going to the doctor myself this afternoon, my whole body is aching, especially my chest and back.

In all of this R has been behaved, and done alot for me - but as per usual it comes at a price. This morning he made a comment that really annoyed me, so I disengaged the conversation. I could focus on it, be incredibily pointless though.

I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon, and hopefully I either just have the flu and ride it out, or need some drugs and will get better. and hopefully R will pull his head and not carry on like he is doing me the biggest favour in the world!

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