Bring on the fresh horses



Eden, crazy wench that she is, has decided to do a weekly meme. And because I love the fact that she is a crazy wench, I'm going to participate. This weeks is handwriting. I often wonder, if like verbal communication, hand written communication will go by the way side.

I love putting pen to paper, or pencil to paper. If I'm going to be doing heaps of writing, my preferred tool is a pencil. I'm not sure why. I like the way pencil slides across the page, and it can be erased....

I love getting notebooks as gifts. I have all my journals from a billion years ago. There is something cathartic about the process of writing. It feels more connected then typing.

This notebook was given to me by my mother years and years ago. I kept it for a long time, and didn't use it. Now I use it to write all sorts of strange things in it. It lives in my bedside table.

looking for answers
when I've forgotten what the questions were

looking for redemption
when I'm not sure what was sin

looking for forgiveness
when I'm uncertain if I did wrong

Can someone please tell me
why I have to be so strong

2/11/10

Read More

one down, 11 more to go.

Where did January go? I wrote the date today, and was slightly horrified that it was a new month. How did that happen?
Seems even if you practice living in the moment you are in, the days still spin by like a raging torrent. I would like it to slow down please. Just a little bit.

Jodie over at Muddled Up Mumma wrapped up her month of January, and it inspired me, for my own benefit, to do the same. Instead of feeling overwhelmed that a whole month has disappeared, I want to focus on the good stuff that happened during that month.

I started the New Year here at my abode on the hill, with my hunny. We had a lovely New Year's eve, just the two of us. It was a welcome respite from the business of Christmas and being around lots of people all the time.

In my family January begins with a birthday, and ends with a birthday. The 3rd January is my daughter's birthday. She turned 16. I have a 16 year old daughter. Even typing that seems surreal. From holding her tiny little body in my arms, and breathing in that beautiful new born scent to standing beside me looking me in the eye ... in what seems like a blink. We celebrated by going to dinner at Southbank, and seeing Mary Poppins - practically perfect in every way.

Laura and I 16 years ago

Laura and I now :'(

We celebrated again that weekend, going out to dinner with three of her friends, and one of my soul sisters, someone who has known her since she was two. It was an interesting night... to say the least.
Four gorgeous young women, just beginning to find their way in life...

with two, older, and supposedly some what wiser, women....

Aston and I also went to see ....

Disney Concert

 He was pretty impressed...

I love watching him watching something new

Nathan made a firm new friendship with M's nephew, a relationship I knew would be great, as they are so similar in nature. They spent a lot of time together, doing things that they both love. It was lovely to watch another connection between M and I develop and grow.

Aston starting having sleep overs at his father's house. This was a rather scary concept for me, but one that I knew had to happen. So far so good. It has been pretty positive for everyone.... which seems rather odd, given the circumstances behind Aston's father and I not being together anymore. Life is full of mysteries...

Laura came and stayed for 5 days, and we had a wonderful visit. Nat was at a friend's place for the time she was with me. It meant that the dynamic was different, a little less competition all round. Aston got to spend some quality time with his sister, and her and I got to hang out together. Slowly our relationship is rebuilding. We even spoke about the events that happened that led to her going to live with her father

 Before I knew the school holidays were about to be over, and I still needed to get bits and pieces for the boys for school. I think I was in denial, as Aston was starting school. The 23rd came around far quicker then I had anticipated... and now my baby, was off to school...

The rain began to fall, causing a touch of anxiety for me, all too reminiscent of January 12 months ago.

going down to check the creek

Australia day was raining and gloomy, so M and I took Aston to see the Muppets (a bonus of having kids it that you have a perfect excuse to go and see kids movies!) I loved it, as did Aston. He is still talking about it a week later.

As I mentioned before, January starts with a birthday and ends with one. Mine. I turned 42 on 30 January. 42. I remember when I was 18, 20, 25, even 30 ffs - 42 seemed ancient. Old. And here I am. Ancient. Old. Yet I don't feel ancient or old. (well sometimes I do, but that is more my body, not my head!) I don't "feel" 42, or not how I imagined a 42 year old should feel like. I still don't feel like a "grown up" and well, you think I would by now wouldn't you?

I spent my birthday with my best friend, and the one person who is not biologically related to me, who has known me, now, for more then half my life... the good, the bad, the ugly. We went to the Matisse Exhibition at GOMA. It was ... breathtaking... and inspiring. And just what I needed to feed my soul.

I'm feeling decidedly better after that January re-wind. No wonder it went by in a blur, I've been busy. Thanks Jodi for planting the seed of inspiration.

Read More

Keeping it real

 

When I first read this weeks "assignment" the very first word that came to me was Respect.  Each time that I have thought about what are my five top values, that has been the first to come to mind...

What does Respect mean to me? Its not just about respecting me, or treating me with respect, but its about respecting so much more... life, humanity, the planet, other human beings. If we treated each other with respect so much hate, violence, evil would disappear. Treat others how you would like to be treated.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" Most people will associate that saying with Christianity, but the concept has been around long before Jesus was a boy. To me it encapsulates what respect means.

When I was 19, I made the conscious decision that I wasn't going to live my life in the manner that I had seen and experienced growing up. I didn't know how I was going to live it, just how I wasn't going to. Consequently I went on to invent a personality, and in doing so, denied my authenticity. It took me 13 years, and losing the plot and a stay in a psyche ward to reclaim it.  I won't lose it again. By being authentic I am being true to myself. Its my inner compass and guide. Being authentic means not false or copied, genuine and real. It means embracing the uniqueness that makes me ME - freak flag and all!

Being authentic means being honest. Something I despise is lying and liars. Lying to someone means that its not only them that you are lying to, but to yourself as well. The truth may be disappointing, hurtful, at times even devastating. But at least it is real. Being honest has got me into trouble on more then one occasion. Lying, it is little seeds of deceit that blacken your heart.

Practising gratitude is something that keeps me both authentic, and honest. Even on days when all I feel is grey, with a little bit of seeking, I can find something to be grateful for. I believe in the Law of attraction... If I think it, I'm inviting it into my life. I would rather invite good stuff in, then bad stuff. It helps me to change perspective, to see that even on grey stormy days there is good stuff happening, you just have to peel back the clouds to see it.

Gratitude highlights hope. When Pandora opened the forbidden box and everything flew out, the only thing that remained in the box was hope. I lost hope once. And very nearly lost my life. I never want to lose it again. Practising, and believing in respect, authenticity, honesty and gratitude means I will never lose it again. For me, they perpetuate hope, fan it into being, in all its magnificence,  potential and mystery...

Narrowing down the things that are important to five core values is a difficult exercise. Harder then I originally thought. There are many other things that are important to me - knowledge, family, resilience, joy, laughter to name a few, but essentially what I identified was that the five that spoke to me the loudest ultimately lead to the others. And like any strong house that will withstand anything that is thrown at it, a good foundation is imperative.

Read More

Victim or warrior?

Abuse, in any form, leaves an indelible mark on your heart, your soul and your psyche. Being on the receiving end of abuse as a child leaves a scar that runs so deep that only another person who has experienced it can truly understand. I, unfortunately, understand.

We either become a victim, or a warrior. (I don't like the word survivor ...yep I survived it. So what? So does a victim that still lives in it. I'm a warrior. I fight every single god damn day to be better then where I came from.)

A victim is someone who continually blames every thing that has gone wrong in their life on someone else, their abuser, anyone but them, never taking responsibility for any of their behavior, stuck in an endless loop of 'it's not my fault', allowing the abuse to be the excuse for, and be excused from, anything that they do as a grown up. Well in my opinion that's a cop out. That's the easy road.

A warrior, recognizes and acknowledges the things that happened that were beyond their control at the time, and in spite of those things, fights to become a better person. A warrior takes responsibility for the things they do as an adult, and owns their behavior. A warrior feels in a state of exhaustion a lot of the time. They are fighting a war after all - a war within.

I use my experiences to educate. I can recognize someone that has or is being abused, be it a child or an adult, without them telling me. I use my experiences to illustrate that you don't have to be a victim to them. You can be a warrior instead.

When I'm feeling exhausted, from fighting the war within, I look for words for inspiration, for soothing my soul, or to champion me on to fight another day. Ralph Waldo Emerson (leader of the Transcendentalist movement of the mid-19th century and champion of individualism) is someone whose words speak often to my very core.

'Be not the slave of your own past ... plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old.'

My past will always be there. It just doesn't shackle me. Instead it empowers me to be bold, forthright, passionate, and not to be afraid to fly my freak flag!!

I have another Emerson quote tattooed down my side...

What lies behinds us and what lies before us are but tiny matters compared to what lies within us

It's a visual reminder that I'm doing OK.... In spite of.... Because of.

If you have been abused, as a child, or as an adult, or as both, to stop the cycle from perpetuating, you have to stop being a victim, dig deep, and become a warrior. Look for inspiration, seek assistance, use your experiences to educate, fly your own freak flag! It can be done.

If you have, or are experiencing abuse of any kind here are some links to help you on the road to becoming a warrior:

Bravehearts

Reachout

If you are a warrior, and know of an organisation, or information that can help someone, please share it.

Read More

postive/negative

For the last week or so I have had swirling around in my much needed-to-be-recharged-brain thoughts about why people view the world through either a positive or negative lens.

I actively try to view it through a positive lens. When I feel myself slipping into the black hole, and the lens darkens to one full of negativity, I dig deep into my tool box for whatever is going to help change the view.

This morning serendipity (god I love that word) occurred, and I fell across Justine Musk's beautifully articulated words about letting your freak flag fly. I couldn't have said it better if I tried. So I won't. Because I'm still waiting for the RACQ to come and recharge my brain.

Do yourself a favour, and head over to  her place . You'll be glad you did.

Read More