Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Denail is a river - June


"It's back. It's back. It's back."

Like an endless loop, those words scream in my head, my gut, every single fucking cell in my body, screaming IT'S BACK.

"No. No, its not. Lightening doesn't strike twice in the same place."

This is an example of my internal dialogue after finding a lump again in the same breast that I'd had a lumpectomy in two years previously.

Every time I felt it, a sense of familiarity came over me. I knew in my gut what it was. But denial is a river, and I got swept up in that river until the middle of June. I went to my GP and got a referral for an ultrasound, which couldn't take place for a week. I went and saw my radiation oncologist for my 6 monthly check up. He examined me, and requested that he be sent a copy of the report when it was done.

A day after the ultrasound I received a phone call from my GP requesting I come in to discuss the results. The radiologist had requested further testing -  core biopsy on the lump in my right breast, and a fine needle aspiration on a lump found in my left breast.

Apparently lightening can strike in the same place twice.

I wasn't able to get an appointment for these procedure for two weeks, as the radiologist had gone on holidays. The alternative was paying $500 up front to have it done at another centre. This wasn't an option. After feeding, housing, being a bloody ATM to the Narcissist, I didn't have a spare $500 to cough up, especially to confirm what I already knew to be true. So I waited.

And the loop continued.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

I want...

I want to lean into you.
To rest my head against your chest 
and listen to the sound of your heart beating.

I want to feel your embrace. 
Arms wrapped around me,
 chin gently rubbing the top of my head.

I want to taste your lips. 
Rest our foreheads against each other's
 and breathe in each other's breath.

I want to listen to your voice.
 Question your thoughts.
 Ask why, and what if, and how.

I want to lay in your arms. 
Fall asleep in the safe cocoon of your embrace.
 Wake with your arm around my waist.

I want to not feel afraid. 
To feel the fear and do it anyway. 
To take a leap and learn how to fly.

I want to trust in myself.
 To have no expectations. No disappointments, 
but often beautiful sweet surprises of the unexpected.


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